“99% of My Sex with Men Was Not Worth It — Welcome to the Hall of Fame of Terrible Sexcapades”

Youre sitting there thinking, “yes this can be the one. This guy looks like it, like he knows…” No he doesn’t fucking know. Don’t let them lead you on. They’re all not skilled in the art of sex. 90% of men are lucky they even get a sniff how do they actually learn how to have sex? They don’t. They’re unskilled and there’s no fake it until you make it. They just suck.

Let’s face it: men, bless their hearts, aren’t always the sharpest tools in the shed when it comes to matters of the bedroom. Sure, there might be the occasional winner in the crowd, but for the most part, I’ve been subjected to a series of dismal performances, lackluster emotions, and downright foolishness. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my Hall of Fame of Terrible Sexcapades — prepare yourself for three horrifying tales that will have you cringing and laughing in equal measure.

1. Mr. Virginal at 48 First up, meet Mr. Virginal at 48, the man who seemed like he had never touched a woman’s body before. I thought maybe this was some new age of chastity and he was, like, saving himself. Nope! He was just…well, let’s just say it was like watching a fish flopping around out of water. He seemed both shocked and utterly clueless at the sight of a naked woman, and when it came time to make a move, he just kind of stared blankly like he was seeing a ghost. I felt bad, really, but it was as if I was trying to teach a middle schooler about female anatomy all over again. Awkward doesn’t even begin to cover it!

2. Captain Overzealous Next on our list is Captain Overzealous, a guy who thought my clit was his own personal playground. His misguided enthusiasm led him to pinch, pull, prod, and poke my poor clit until I thought it would literally fall off. It was as if he believed my entire pleasure depended solely on his chafing ministrations. His idea of proving himself sexually to me was apparently all about how much pain I could endure without yelling, “Get off me!” Sorry, buddy, but that is not what I signed up for!

3. Mr. Hole-in-One Finally, we have Mr. Hole-in-One, a man who treated me like nothing more than a hole for his entertainment. There was no foreplay, no sweet talk, no connection beyond his desire to do the deed and leave. I felt like I was just a body — no respect, no appreciation, just a one-way ticket to Disappointment Town. It’s truly baffling how someone can be so disconnected from another person they’re intimate with, but hey, he managed it.

So, there you have it — my Hall of Fame of Terrible Sexcapades. These stories might make you laugh, but let’s not forget the lessons learned. Sex is supposed to be a mutual experience, one where both parties are engaged, connected, and, well, actually having fun! So, here’s to finding those rare gems who understand what it means to be good in bed and treat you like the whole person you are. Cheers!