A Men’s Guide To Understanding Women 40 or Older
Excerpt from my new book:
What Planet Did She Come From? A Men’s Guide to Understanding Women 40 or Older
By Kali DuBois, PhD
As men age into their 40s and beyond, many begin to notice that women’s needs, desires, and communication styles seem increasingly complex. If you’re reading this, you’ve likely felt at some point that you and your partner are not on the same wavelength, wondering, “What planet did she come from?” Well, you’re not alone. The truth is, navigating relationships with women at this stage of life requires a different set of skills than what may have worked in your 20s or 30s.
This isn’t about simplifying things down to the old “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” mantra. It’s about learning how to truly understand where your partner is coming from. The emotional, psychological, and communication needs of a woman in her 40s differ from those of younger women. Many men fall into the trap of thinking their job is to fix problems. But what women often seek, especially in this stage of life, is emotional connection and understanding before any solutions are offered.
At this point in our lives, women have come to a realization that most men are in a similar position as us. Many men, like us, are making the same amount of money, juggling careers, responsibilities, and life stressors. And here’s the thing: we see that men are struggling too. They’re not the untouchable, stoic pillars of strength that society once portrayed them to be. Beneath the surface, many are dealing with their own mental health challenges and emotional struggles.
So, when men rush to give us advice or “fix” our problems, we often don’t see it as valid or helpful. We know they’re not coming from a place of perfect clarity or stability, but rather from their own place of hurt. Women at this age recognize that relationships are no longer about one person saving the other or being the “fixer.” We want to be heard, not fixed, because we know that everyone — both men and women — are figuring things out as they go. What we crave is empathy, someone who can sit with us in our struggles without rushing to provide solutions, knowing we’re both in this complex journey together.
Key Skill: Listen to Understand, Not to Fix
One of the most powerful shifts you can make in your relationship is learning to listen without jumping in to solve the problem. Men, by nature, tend to be problem solvers. If your partner brings up an issue, your instinct might be to say, “Here’s how we can fix it.” But women often want something deeper. They want to feel heard. They want to know you’re present, truly engaged in their emotional world, rather than just trying to check something off a to-do list.
Why Does Listening Matter?
Listening is about building trust and intimacy. When you listen without the intention to fix, you are giving your partner space to express herself. In doing so, you’re not just hearing her words — you’re also hearing her emotions, desires, and concerns. For a woman in her 40s, these layers of communication are often more important than the content of what’s being said.
Imagine this: Your partner tells you about a tough day at work. She’s frustrated, upset, and just needs to vent. You might be tempted to jump in with suggestions like, “Why don’t you talk to your boss?” or “Maybe it’s time to find a new job.” But what she’s really looking for is connection. She wants you to acknowledge how she’s feeling, to show empathy and understanding. So instead of offering solutions right away, try saying something like, “That sounds really frustrating. I can see why you’re upset. How can I support you?”
By focusing on her emotional experience, rather than rushing to solve the problem, you create a deeper bond. She feels understood, not managed. That’s where intimacy begins.
How to Listen Effectively
Here are some practical steps to listening with the intent to understand, not fix:
- Pause Before Speaking
When your partner starts talking about something that’s bothering her, hold off on offering advice. Pause and really listen. You might need to remind yourself that this moment isn’t about solving her problem — it’s about connecting with her. - Reflect Back What You Hear
A great way to show that you’re listening is by reflecting her words back to her. For example, if she’s telling you how her coworker has been disrespectful, you might say, “It sounds like your coworker isn’t showing you the respect you deserve, and that’s really getting to you.” This lets her know that you’re truly paying attention, and that you understand how the situation is making her feel. - Acknowledge Her Feelings
Validate her emotions by acknowledging what she’s feeling. If she’s stressed, acknowledge that stress. If she’s sad, acknowledge that sadness. You don’t need to agree with her point of view to acknowledge her emotions. Saying something like, “I can see why you’d feel overwhelmed,” or “It makes sense that you’d feel that way,” can go a long way in creating emotional intimacy. - Ask Open-Ended Questions
Encourage her to share more by asking open-ended questions. This shows that you’re genuinely interested in her experience. Instead of questions that can be answered with a simple “yes” or “no,” ask questions like, “How did that make you feel?” or “What do you think is the hardest part about that situation?” These questions invite her to go deeper, which can lead to a more meaningful conversation. - Resist the Urge to Fix
Even if a solution seems obvious to you, resist the urge to jump in and solve the problem right away. Sometimes, all your partner needs is for you to be present and supportive. She may not even be looking for a solution — she just wants to feel that you’re by her side, emotionally engaged.
Why “Fixing” Can Backfire
It’s natural to want to help the person you love, but here’s the problem with constantly trying to fix things: it can send the message that you don’t value her emotional experience. If every time she shares her feelings, you’re quick to offer a solution, it may feel like you’re not really listening. She might start to feel like you don’t care about her emotions, just the outcome.
When women, especially those in their 40s and beyond, feel that their emotions aren’t valued or validated, they often withdraw emotionally. This can create distance in the relationship, leaving both partners feeling disconnected and misunderstood.
Remember: You don’t always have to fix things to show love and support. Sometimes, just being there — really being there — is enough.
Building Trust Through Listening
Listening is a form of love. It tells your partner that you care about what’s going on inside her mind and heart. The more you practice listening to understand, the more trust you will build. And trust is the foundation of any deep, meaningful relationship.
As you begin to truly understand your partner’s reality, you’ll notice that conflicts diminish, intimacy deepens, and your connection grows stronger. She’ll feel more comfortable opening up to you, knowing that you’re not going to judge or fix her but are there to support and love her as she is.
The Takeaway
The next time your partner begins to share her frustrations, concerns, or even her joys, remember to pause, reflect, and listen. Ask yourself: Am I hearing her reality? When you shift from fixing to understanding, you open the door to a deeper emotional connection. Women, especially those in their 40s or older, often value this emotional closeness over quick fixes. By listening with empathy and reflecting her emotions back to her, you’ll strengthen the bond between you, creating the trust and intimacy that sustains long-lasting relationships.
