Clueless Chris
This man kept texting me out of the blue I met only once, so when I finally gave him attention, he immediately withdrew. He’s either committed elsewhere or just not into women who show interest in him. That’s fine; I’ve learned to be indifferent to outcomes.
Do you understand the art of letting go of expectations?
I’ve also experienced plenty of rejections, understanding that numerous rejections can eventually lead to a few acceptances. People often judge me for my blonde hair and former modeling career, but that doesn’t bother me. Their assumptions are natural. However, what feels unnatural is when you open up to someone, and they start to distance themselves.
Many people say, “Dr. DuBois, you must know ways to prevent this!” But why bother? Such behavior often stems from deep-seated issues, like unresolved childhood abandonment fears.
Just last night, this man voiced concerns about me potentially disappearing unexpectedly, revealing his underlying fear of abandonment, probably rooted in his childhood experiences.
To use his exact words: “I have never disappeared on him.”
For someone to ‘disappear,’ they must first be a significant presence, and frankly, I have never been a prominent part of his life for him to form such an opinion without resorting to speculation. Our interactions have been extremely limited — we’ve only met once, and it was brief.
It was a foolish and senseless situation. I ought to have asked him to leave as soon as he began discussing other women, but given that this is my profession and he appeared distressed about his circumstances, I chose to let him stay and listen the night I met him. Plus he was cute. What can I say, I’m human.
Since that time, our interactions have mostly been through light-hearted text messages, where I try to inject some humor to lighten his mood, along with sincere discussions. Last night I read him a poem in Spanish (I speak fluently) about loving someone who is distant. Despite these efforts, he continues to distance himself. It seems he’s not comfortable with someone genuinely engaging with him.
Naturally, he will deny this, possibly because he’s reluctant to confront his own behavior. He might be involved with someone else, or perhaps multiple people, considering the prevalent ‘swipe left’ culture of 2023, or he could be simply too preoccupied to make me a priority. I’m not a significant figure in his life, and that’s okay. It’s not necessary for everyone to hold us in high regard. Understanding our role, or lack thereof, in someone’s life allows us to move forward. Coming to this understanding involves some introspection.
As the old saying goes, “for every beautiful woman [or man], there’s someone who is tired of fucking them.”
It’s natural to take things personally.
We often mistakenly believe that such behaviors reflect on us, but in reality, they’re more about the other person’s past and their habitual patterns in relationships. This man appears to have a preference for women who aren’t overly interested. In response, I choose to step back and of course, I told him to go fuck himself (which is my natural musing…sorry not sorry. I’m a blunt asshole who likes direct communication).
It’s futile to keep pursuing someone who is consistently distant, cancels plans, or harbors unfounded suspicions about me rekindling past romances or suddenly leaving. It’s frankly absurd.
How about we simply meet for coffee and take the time to truly understand each other? Making judgments about me based on a handful of texts, a few phone calls, and one night encounter isn’t reasonable.
Moving past that is crucial. You should consider finding someone else, someone who resides in the same city as you and prefers stability in their location and lifestyle; it seems that’s what you need. Please understand, I am not your girlfriend.
That night we met, I was merely a friend, someone who empathized with your stories about other women. We walked my dog together, and I held your hand and made love to you, but that was a one-off experience. It’s time to release those false hopes and move on.
I replied to your texts because I genuinely cared about how you were doing and was comfortable with just communicating. I never wanted anything beyond that from you. If I had wanted more, I would have pursued you, but I didn’t. The reason was clear from the start: on the very night we met, you were already talking about other women. You were preoccupied and shit was going on in your head.
What I look for is sincerity directed towards me, not a person whose attention was divided among several women. I found your behavior unappealing, and that’s precisely why I didn’t pursue anything further with you.
I don’t know how many times I need to say this for you to understand: you need to move on. You seem completely unaware of how relationships or courtship work. Or seem to already be in one with someone else or preoccupied with your life.
Relationships…Well.
It starts with sharing a coffee, spending time together, and discovering common interests, not with sporadic calls or vague promises about when you’ll appear. I’m sorry, but you need to find a life elsewhere, with someone else. This is why I called you “clueless.”
Behavior in relationships often mirrors deeper psychological patterns and personal histories. People’s actions, especially in romantic contexts, are frequently guided by their past experiences, fears, and unhealed wounds. Understanding this can provide a sense of clarity and help in managing one’s expectations and reactions in relationships.
It is crucial to remember that we are not for everyone, just as I am not for this guy, and that is perfectly okay. Accepting this can lead to healthier interactions and emotional wellbeing.
So what the hell is going on? Let’s take a look through the lens of NLP.
From the perspective of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), “imprinting” refers to the process by which early life experiences, particularly those in childhood, create deep-seated patterns of thought, emotion, and behavior in individuals. These imprints are powerful and often subconscious, significantly influencing a person’s attachment styles in relationships and their approach to romantic and sexual courtship.
Imprinting in NLP
Formation of Imprints: In NLP, imprints are formed during critical periods of development, especially in early childhood. These are times when the individual is highly susceptible to influence from their environment, particularly from primary caregivers.
Modeling and Mimicry: Children learn by observing and mimicking the behavior of those around them, especially parents or caregivers. This can include how they handle emotions, relate to others, and express love and affection.
Emotional Associations: Early experiences, both positive and negative, create strong emotional associations. These associations can become deeply embedded in the subconscious and shape future emotional responses and attachments.
Impact on Attachment Styles
Secure Attachment: Positive and consistent early experiences often lead to a secure attachment style. Individuals with this style tend to have healthy, trusting relationships. They are comfortable with intimacy and also with being independent.
Anxious or Preoccupied Attachment: Inconsistent or overly intrusive caregiving can lead to an anxious attachment style. These individuals may seek constant validation and approval in relationships and can be overly dependent on their partners.
Avoidant Attachment: Those who experience neglect or emotional unavailability from caregivers may develop an avoidant attachment style. They often struggle with intimacy and may appear emotionally distant in relationships.
Disorganized Attachment: A mix of neglect and sporadic attention can lead to a disorganized attachment style, characterized by confusion and inconsistency in relationships.
Imprinting and Early Pursuing of Sexual Courtship
Replication of Familiar Patterns: Individuals often replicate the relationship dynamics they observed in their formative years. For example, someone who witnessed or experienced turbulent relationships might unconsciously seek similar dynamics, perceiving them as familiar or normal.
Seeking Validation: Those with certain attachment styles, particularly anxious or preoccupied, may pursue early sexual relationships as a means of seeking validation and assurance.
Fear of Intimacy: Conversely, those with avoidant attachment might engage in sexual relationships without emotional intimacy as a way to maintain distance and protect themselves from the perceived vulnerabilities of deeper emotional connections.
Subconscious Motivations: NLP suggests that many of these behaviors are driven by subconscious motivations. Through techniques like reframing and visualization, NLP aims to uncover and alter these deep-seated patterns.
Understanding imprinting from an NLP perspective can offer valuable insights into why people behave the way they do in relationships. Recognizing these patterns can be the first step towards healing and developing healthier attachment styles. It’s important to note that while NLP provides one lens to understand these dynamics, it is one of many approaches in the complex field of human psychology and relationships.
