Do You Even Want Him? Or Are You Just Afraid of Being Alone? Cultural Hegemony

Imagine this: You wake up tomorrow in a world where no one expects you to be with a man. No one is watching. No one is judging. There’s no one to disappoint. Would you still want him?

Or would you breathe out a sigh of relief, unburdened from the script you’ve been acting out your whole life?

Most of us don’t even know what we actually want — because wanting something outside the norm comes with a price: exile.

The Invisible Cage: How Social Anthropology Explains Our Desires

Humans are tribal by nature. For most of history, your survival depended on your acceptance within the group. If you defied expectations — if you refused to conform — you risked being cast out. And being cast out meant death.

So we adapted. We learned to suppress inconvenient truths. To desire what was safe, not what was real.

Anthropologists call this cultural hegemony — a process where dominant ideologies become so ingrained that we mistake them for our own desires. French theorist Pierre Bourdieu referred to this as habitus — the deeply rooted social conditioning that shapes our preferences without us realizing it.

The result? Women are raised to believe that heterosexuality is natural, even inevitable. But is it? Or is it just the safestoption?

The Fear of the “Wrong” Desire

Adrienne Rich’s concept of compulsory heterosexuality isn’t just about who women end up with. It’s about who they never even let themselves consider.

Because desire is dangerous when it deviates.

Women who openly reject men — whether by identifying as lesbians, choosing celibacy, or simply refusing traditional relationships — are treated as threats. Their femininity is questioned. Their worth is diminished.

This isn’t accidental. Social structures actively punish deviation:

• Women are socialized to feel guilty for not wanting men.
• Women are taught to seek validation through male attention, even when it feels empty.
• Women who express same-sex attraction are often fetishized or dismissed as “going through a phase.”

So, most women don’t even let themselves ask the question: Do I really want men?

Because the answer — if it’s “no” or even “I don’t know” — could cost them everything.

The Survival Instinct: How Fear Keeps You in Line

Evolutionarily speaking, belonging is survival.

In traditional societies, a woman without male protection was vulnerable. She needed a man not necessarily for love, but for safety. That economic and physical dependency still lingers today, even in modern relationships.

Think about it:

• Marriage is still financially incentivized. Women (especially mothers) who remain single face economic disadvantages.
• Heterosexuality is aggressively marketed. From childhood fairy tales to Hallmark movies, every cultural message tells women their happiness depends on finding a man.
• Single women are stigmatized. A man in his 40s who’s single is a bachelor. A woman in her 40s who’s single is pitied.

It’s no wonder that, for many women, heterosexuality feels less like a choice and more like the default setting.

So, What Happens If You Stop Playing the Game?

What happens when a woman allows herself to strip away the expectations, the conditioning, the fear?

For some, the answer is liberating. They realize they don’t actually want men — they’ve just been performing attraction their whole lives.

For others, it’s murkier. The conditioning runs so deep that it’s impossible to separate real desire from social survival.

That’s the trap. That’s the point.

Because as long as you never ask the question — Do I actually want this? — you’ll never know if you’re living your truth… or just avoiding exile.

Further Reading & Sources

📖 Adrienne Rich, “Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence” (1980)
📖 Judith Butler, “Gender Trouble” (1990) — On how gender and sexuality are social performances, not innate truths.
📖 Pierre Bourdieu, “Distinction” (1984) — Explains how cultural conditioning shapes our deepest desires without us realizing it.
📖 Gayle Rubin, “The Traffic in Women” (1975) — On how women’s sexuality has been historically controlled to serve male interests.

So now, ask yourself again. Do you actually want him? Or do you just want to belong?