Generous, Creative Woman Wants to Find a Hot, Sexy Man with a Good Sense of Humor
Hey, my name is Kali.
Are you a soft, sexy, exciting man who would like to have a little taste of part-time paradise? If so, read on.
I am looking for a very special man who would like to share a few small (but exciting!) adventures with me and who wants to enjoy a part-time slice of the good life. Are you that man? Maybe. Maybe not. The first thing it depends on is me. You see, if I’m not your kind of woman, then what I have to offer may not be your idea of how life should be lived.
So let’s start with me. Here’s what my life is like. First of all, I’m an early riser. I usually get up around 6 a.m. and I drink a cup of coffee, and then, on most days, by 6:30 a.m., I’m swimming laps. How far I swim depends on how good I feel. It’s never less than two miles and seldom more than four. When I’m finished, I get into my car and drive to a place I call “The House of Pain” (actually the sign outside says “Vince’s Gym”) where a stone-age sadist who masquerades as a fitness instructor forces me to use dumbbells, barbells, and other fiendish contraptions in ways for which my body was not designed.
Whatever. After about an hour of this, I travel to yet another establishment where I give my tired, hurting body a chance to recover while I rest upon a UVA suntan bed and listen to soothing music (usually Rod Stewart or Jimmy Buffet) on a pair of stereo headphones. By the time I am finished, it is approximately 9:45 a.m., and what I do next is go home, shower, change into fresh clothes, and eat a light breakfast.
Finally, after all this, I go to work. And boy, do I ever work! I love what I do for a living, and, I must confess, I am truly a workaholic. For example, right now, I am attempting to put together the financial and promotional packages for 10 different adult films. I am writing two books (one fiction and one non-fiction). I am collaborating on a screenplay and I am attending to the details of two businesses I own personally, and also, to the business details of several corporate and personal clients whose products are household words.
It’s quite a workload.
And what do I do after I stop working? What is my big reward for all this running and grunting and pumping iron and stretching and straining and writing and thinking and solving and creating and caring and so on?
Nothing, that’s what! Nada. Zip. Not doodley squat. No “Miller Time!” No drugs. No sex. No rock and roll. Not even a little wine and some quiet classical music.
Why? The answer is simple. You see, for the last 3–1/2 months, I have been spending my evenings and weekends on a marathon of non-stop sulking.
Why have I been sulking? Good question. And, once again, the answer is simple. You see, up until 3–1/2 months ago, my “Miller Time” was terrific. It was terrific because there was a very handsome, very erotic, very special man in my life and we were in a relationship I thought would last forever. But that relationship has ended. It has ended stupidly, tragically, and for insane reasons totally beyond the ability of any human to control.
Well, such is life. But what’s done is done and 3–1/2 months’ worth of sulking is more than enough for anyone and now it is time for me to climb up out of my sulk and find myself another special man.
So why write an ad? Why do I have to advertise for a man? Am I some kind of geek with two heads and bad breath?
No, I am not. I’m a reasonably attractive (maybe even semi-beautiful?) woman in her late-thirties with a sparkling personality (except when I’m sulking), a keen wit, a steady hand, and a clear eye. I’ve got a good tan, strawberry blonde hair and freckles that cover 90% of my body. I am of average size. Not short, not tall; not fat, not skinny. I’m in excellent health. I’m not hurting for money and I can look any maitre d’ in the country right square in the eye without flinching.
So once again, why do I have to advertise to get a man? Well, actually, I don’t. I’ve been married twice. I’ve had a few other serious relationships and, of course, my share of one-night stands and short-term romances. I’ve enjoyed the company of a few really outstanding men and I want to do so again.
But you know what else? I’ve also met many men who were not so outstanding. In fact, I’ve met more than a few men who, although they had great exteriors, were, on the inside, flat-out bummers!
Want some examples? You do? OK, you asked for it. Try these out for size.
Zach the Prince. Zach is a 26-year-old man who waltzed into my office and immediately informed me (before I even had a chance to say hello) he wanted me to write an ad for him and he wanted to go to bed with me. Well, what the hell, on some days I’m a pushover. He got what he wanted and I must admit, he gave me one of the most thorough screwings I’ve ever had in my life. Unfortunately, it didn’t happen in bed. And what happened in bed was unfortunate also. You see, Zach’s idea of good sex is brutality. He wants a woman who will slap him around, degrade and humiliate him, and, quite literally, bounce him off the walls. Sorry, but that’s not for me. I like to make love with a man, not war.
Sean the Tragic. Sean was a secretary and a go-go dancer. Great body, a very pretty face and a good sense of humor. Unfortunately, he was also a “walking accident” looking for a place to happen. He was always in court on charges relating to neglecting his four-year-old daughter and his ex-girlfriend was a Mafia hitwoman (true) who wanted him back and was trying to find him. We had a very brief affair.
Kevin the “Would-Be” Prostitute. A gorgeous man who, after our affair got going, confessed to me he wanted to live his life as a gigolo. Then he informed me he wanted me to be his first “Jane” and I should start paying him for sex. When I refused, he decided I would be his madam and he would have sex with other women and make them pay and then give the money to me. This also was a very brief affair.
Chris the Actor. Sensational looks. A real traffic stopper. I used him in a few full-page ads and I created a male enhancement promotion based around him. We started hanging out with each other and I was the envy of all the women who saw us together. Except me. I wasn’t envious of me at all. Chris had a terminal case of tunnel vision. The only thing he could focus on whatsoever for more than 10-seconds was his precious career. He was deadly dull. I couldn’t sustain enough interest in him to even take him to bed.
I could go on and on. All of these examples (except for the names) are true. They have not been made up. In fact, they have been toned down!
And so far, I haven’t even described what I consider the worst category of men at all. These are men who, in my opinion, might actually be clinically crazy. You want to know how I can tell? It’s easy. You see, these are all the men who do not have any of the drawbacks that turn me off, and who, for some inexplicable reason, are not interested in me. Can you imagine that?
What do I want in a man? Well, I’ve got a pretty good idea but I am, I must admit, quite flexible. However, I have a very clear idea of what I don’t want and it is here I am not flexible at all. So let’s start with that. Here then are…
7 Things Kali Does NOT Want From a Man!
#1. DEATH OR DISEASE. This is my number one no-no. I hardly ever go near Santa Monica Boulevard and, when I do, the only place I ever stop is Barney’s Beanery.
In other words, I’m straight. Also, I’m not a hemophiliac. I’ve never had a blood transfusion. I’m not a junkie and I never stick needles into my body. I’m not promiscuous. I don’t mess around with prostitutes (I tried it years ago and it was boring), and I’ve never even been close to Africa or Haiti.
What this means, of course, is with any kind of luck at all (knock on wood) I do not have AIDS. Also, to my knowledge, I do not have any other type of dreadful communicable disease including syphilis, gonorrhea, herpes, hepatitis, or even the bubonic plague.
If you can’t say the same, please, please do NOT respond to this ad.
#2. DRUG DRAMAS. Do you like to drink a little or get a little high once in a while so you can loosen up and party down? You do? Good! That means you and I can have some fun. But please… read that first sentence again. See where it says “a little” and “every once in a while”? Those words are important to me. Therefore, if your idea of “a little” and “every once in a while” is to get drunk or stoned every day, if the way you like to use cocaine is by freebasing or injecting it, if you gulp down Valium or Quaaludes by the fistful, if you use PCP or heroin in any way, shape or form, then I must, once again, ask you to please NOT answer this ad.
#3. DESPERATE DILEMMAS. Are you sleeping in your car because your rent is six months overdue? Is your ex-wife a hatchet murderer who is trying to track you down and who swears to mutilate any woman who so much as looks at you? Are you in desperate need of fast money because your poor old mother needs a kidney transplant in order to keep on living?
I’m sorry. I really am. But I’m just an ordinary everyday nice gal (albeit with a strange career in a fascinating subject). I’m not Superwoman or even Oprah. I’m very compassionate and very understanding but I have recently retired from trying to save the world.
Therefore, I’m not qualified to save your life. However, if you will let me, I might be able to enhance it by adding to it some excitement and romance.
#4. MARRIAGE. I’ve been married twice and, both times it spoiled a great romance. I don’t want to get married again and I don’t want to live with you either. You see, at this point in my life, I don’t want to own a man. I just want to enjoy one.
It would be nice if you decide to answer this ad, if you already have some sort of life of your own. I don’t want to be your everything. I would much rather be that special somebody who you see two or three times a week and who makes you feel good.
Would that be OK?
#5. I DON’T WANT A SEXUAL SWINGER. Do you spend your evenings attending orgies at the A- Frame? Do you have a lifetime membership at Plato’s? Sorry, we’re not compatible. You know, even though I’ve been married and I’ve been around, I feel that by Southern California standards, I’m almost a virgin. I’ll take quality over quantity any day. And even though, I’m a sex psychologist, adult filmmaker and writer in fringe fetish worlds, I’m still an introvert. It’s ‘work’ NOT me. Meaning I’m inudated daily by sex markets, dating markets, anything to do with the sexual fringe markets but that is my ‘work’ for 20+ years, I’d rather NOT have a client as a boyfriend. They need to be able to understand this. My idea of good sex is NOT shoving my fist up your ass like you see in some of the films we have produced.
#6. I DON’T WANT A SEXUAL PRUDE. I bet by now you think I’m repressed, don’t you? I bet you think the hot throb of lust does not live in my loins. I bet you think if you and Keanu Reeves showed up at my door with a suitcase full of excitement from Trashy Lingerie (they’re located at 402 N. La Cienga and they’ve got the hottest stuff in town!) and suggested we have a menage a trois I would toss you both out on your rear and report you to Jerry Falwell.
You are wrong. You are wrong. You are wrong. You are wrong.
Fear not. I may be cautious but I’m not crazy.
Hark unto me. Listen. Just because I’m not into freebasing, weirdos and non-stop promiscuity doesn’t mean I’m dead. It’s true I don’t want a man who’s been sleeping with everything in a dress. However on the other hand, if you are a 35-year-old virgin who thinks foreplay should be 1/2 hour of begging and “oral sex” is the name of a disgusting new group of punk rockers then, you may rest assured, our stars were simply not meant to cross.
#7. I DON’T WANT A MAN WHO CAN’T STAND PROSPERITY. Don’t laugh. I lost the love of my life because things got “too good.” Some people are into the struggle and not the reward.
I’m into both. As you already know, I like to work but work without reward is senseless. It seems to me many men (and women) just insist on filling up their lives with a lot of needless trauma.
Not me. I want the payoff along with the pain. Therefore…
“If you don’t want the good
And just want the bad,
Don’t waste your time
By answering this ad!”
Good Lord, that was corny, wasn’t it?
Well, anyway, that’s my laundry
list of what I don’t want and in fact, what I can’t handle. Now comes the hard part. I really feel awkward about saying what I do want. I’m afraid if I get too explicit it will seem like I’m an insensitive clod ordering something from a Chinese menu.
On the other hand, if I don’t set down some guidelines, I’m afraid this ad will be answered by many men with whom I would not be at all compatible.
So please, give me a break. I’m not nearly as definite about what I am about to write as it will appear in print. Remember, what I am about to write is not etched in stone.
Anyway, here I go. My idea of a perfect man is someone who is intelligent and healthy with a good sense of humor and someone who will take my breath away when I see him in a swimsuit!
As far as age is concerned, if you are somewhere between 45 and 55 that would be just fine and, if you are a little younger or a little older, that is probably no big deal.
I like men who take care of themselves. If you have a fit, healthy body, a reasonably slim waist, and a charming smile, then quite frankly, you sound like heaven to me!
So much for specifications.
And now if after all this, you are still interested, what can you expect from me? Well, the first word in the headline of this ad is “Generous” and I am just that. However, generous does not mean “chump.” It also doesn’t mean I want to pay for sex. That’s ridiculous. Any woman in L.A. who wants to pay for sex doesn’t have to write an ad, all she has to do is answer one. Those ads are all over, even in the yellow pages.
Here’s what I mean by generous. I love to buy presents for men. I give great vacations. I love to travel for long weekends (four days or so) to Acapulco, Hawaii, Fort Lauderdale, the Bahamas, and so on. I only fly first class and I try to always stay in the best hotels and eat in the best restaurants.
Does any of this sound good to you? I hope so. This is an honest ad. Every word is true and although I’ve made a modest attempt to make it entertaining, you should also know I am sincere.
Are you leery about answering a personal ad? I don’t blame you. I sure am. Before I decided to write this ad, I started reading other “personal ads” and they scare the hell out of me. I’m always afraid they are being written by sexually sick people or real losers and sometimes by people who are downright dangerous.
I mean, have you read those ads? They go like this: “Psychotic white man wants to be sodomized by 12 Cuban truck drivers and a boa constrictor while wife watches and salivates. Call 1–800-SICKY” Or like this: “96-year-old man with youthful outlook wants to meet vegetarian non-smoker to discuss saving the whales and other ecological concerns.” Or: “Pleasingly plump 590-pound man wants to meet a sincere fun-loving woman to care for him and his lovely 18 children.”
And so on.
I’m not like that. Really, I’m not. I promise. I’m a reasonably normal healthy female who would like to add a little excitement and romance to her life with a reasonably normal, healthy male.
If you are at all interested or even curious, please write and tell me about yourself and how to get in touch with you and, also, please send a recent full-length photo.
Who knows. Maybe we’ll click and maybe we won’t. But, at the very least, you won’t be writing to some sick psychotic and maybe, just maybe, it will all turn out great.
Just write to: Kali, Box 208, 8033 Sunset Blvd. Los Angeles, CA 90046
Thank you for your support.
