“Why Men Should Take Control: The Case for Brainwashing in Marriage”
In today’s society, many men find themselves caught in the social construction of what it means to be a “nice guy.” This narrative, which is often deeply ingrained from childhood, teaches men to prioritize the needs and desires of others — particularly women — over their own, leading to a life of constant appeasement and self-sacrifice. Dr. Robert Glover, in his book No More Mr. Nice Guy, describes this phenomenon as “Nice Guy Syndrome,” where men believe that if they are just good enough, nice enough, and selfless enough, they will be loved, respected, and fulfilled. But the reality is far different.
I took a screenshot of the story I read on Facebook:
Take, for example, the recent story shared by a man who found himself at the center of damaging rumors spread by his ex-wife’s boyfriend. Despite being in an open, non-monogamous relationship for 17 years — a relationship where he supported his wife’s new relationships to the point of purchasing tickets for her and her new boyfriend to attend play parties — he is now facing accusations that range from threatening harm to attempting to kidnap his own children.
In a desperate attempt to protect his reputation, this man shared a heartfelt letter with his friends, family, and community, pleading for understanding and clarity. He made it clear that the only boundary he set was that his children should never be harmed — a stance any caring parent would take. Yet, in his ex-wife’s new narrative, he is painted as a villain.
This situation is a prime example of how the social construction of being a “nice guy” can backfire. For years, this man suppressed his own needs and desires to keep the peace, to be the supportive partner and father, only to find that when the relationship ended, he was left vulnerable to accusations and slander. His willingness to sacrifice his own happiness for the sake of others was seen not as noble, but as weakness, easily exploited in a time of conflict.
Dr. Glover argues that Nice Guys often have a deep-seated belief that if they can just make everyone else happy, they will get what they want in return. But this belief is flawed. In many cases, it leads to resentment, frustration, and a deep sense of betrayal when their efforts go unappreciated or are turned against them.
This man’s story is not unique. Countless men, especially those who are married with children, find themselves in similar predicaments — struggling to balance their own needs with the expectations placed upon them by their partners, their families, and society at large. They are taught to be providers, protectors, and pleasers, but rarely are they encouraged to prioritize their own mental and emotional well-being.
And what is the result? A generation of men who are “totally fucked,” as they try to navigate a world that rewards selfishness and punishes selflessness. They are told to be nice, to be accommodating, to put others first, only to find themselves isolated, accused, and misunderstood when things fall apart.
In truth, the only way to break free from this cycle is for men to start taking control of their own lives — to set boundaries, to assert their needs, and to stop seeking validation through the approval of others. As harsh as it may sound, sometimes this means quite literally brainwashing their wives — asserting their own beliefs and needs with the same force and conviction that society has used to shape them into “nice guys.”
It’s time for men to stop playing the role of the martyr and start living for themselves. To understand that their worth is not tied to how much they can give to others, but to how much they can honor themselves. As Dr. Glover puts it, “Nice Guys are givers, but they give to get.” It’s time to give without expecting anything in return — to give to themselves the respect, love, and care that they have been conditioned to seek from others.
In the end, being a “nice guy” isn’t about being good or bad — it’s about being true to oneself. And that’s something no one else can give you.
Doc
