Kiss This Lifeless Body Awake, Bitch!

Ah, Disney. The magical world where women are indoctrinated from a young age to believe that true love means dying for a man to kiss them awake. Oh yes, nothing screams romance like waiting for Prince Charming to stumble upon your lifeless corpse in the woods, plant one on your cold lips, and voila! You’re alive and ready for that happily ever after. Because that’s totally sane, right? Haha. Men think women are sane. Oh, you poor fools. Buckle up, because no one warned us that Disney would leave us yearning for necrophiliac romance.

I mean, really, his undying love should be him worshipping my lifeless body, repenting for not loving me enough, and enduring my abuse, begging for more and more until he can’t handle the relentless “Milking from the Milk Maid Herself.”

Remember Snow White? That sweet little tale where she munches on a poisoned apple and ends up in a glass coffin, only to be revived by a prince who probably has a thing for lifeless chicks. Or Sleeping Beauty, who literally spends most of the movie in a coma waiting for some dude to make out with her unconscious body. You can practically hear the whispers of, “This is what love is, girls. Play dead and wait for a man to fix everything.”

And then there’s the evil stepmothers. Because, obviously, women can’t just have healthy family dynamics. No, no, they need an evil mother figure to spice things up. It’s not a Disney story without some maternal malevolence. Thank you, Disney, for ensuring that every time we see an older woman, we suspect she’s out to get us, and every time a guy shows a bit of interest, we wonder if he’s just looking for someone in need of rescuing from a wicked matriarch.

So here we are, grown women, living out the twisted fantasies that Disney etched into our impressionable minds. We don’t want sane, healthy relationships. We want to die and have a man come kiss our corpse because he loves us so much he can’t live without us.

We want that glass coffin moment, where a hot woodsman stumbles upon our dead body and decides that the best course of action is to pucker up. Because nothing says “I love you” like a little light necromancy. Just slather on some Vaseline and show me a good time, you little slut.

But hey, it’s not all bad. At least we know how to play dead, right? That’s a useful skill. And men, bless your hearts, you keep falling for it. You keep thinking we’re the sane ones. Haha. We’re all just Disney-fied lunatics, waiting for our chance to live out these absurd fantasies. So, here’s to you, Prince Charmings of the world. Keep kissing those corpses. Maybe one day, you’ll find one that wakes up sane.

References

• Walt Disney Animation Studios. (1937). Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
• Walt Disney Animation Studios. (1959). Sleeping Beauty.
• Kilbourne, J. (1999). Can’t Buy My Love: How Advertising Changes the Way We Think and Feel. Touchstone.