“Opportunity Seekers Vs. Meta Attraction”

Face it! The truth is, relying solely on pick-up strategies and chasing the validation of shallow encounters rarely leads to genuine happiness. I’m talking about ‘your’ happiness.

Are We All Fucked?

According to researchers (see cited references below), dating products, such as apps, inadvertently contribute to the cultivation of shallow thinking and behaviors, prioritizing superficial aspects of attraction and perpetuating a culture that prioritizes quantity of connections over their quality. This normalization of toxic dating behaviors has resulted in an alarming increase in personality disorders, feelings of alienation, and a mental health crisis among individuals seeking fulfillment.

Superficiality and flakiness can be common in these situations, leaving us feeling unfulfilled and disconnected. It’s time to move beyond this limited view and seek connections that go deeper than mere appearances.

Now I’m not saying you are an opportunity seeker but the dating market is. They want to perpetuate these things into you.

Opportunity seekers are sold dating products (from dating apps to at-home courses) that perpetuate shallow thinking and behaviors. People are enticed by promises of quick fixes, increased success in relationships, and the allure of achieving a certain image of sexual success.

In my experience, I haven’t encountered anyone who claims that scrolling through dating apps brings them true happiness.

These products exploit insecurities and reinforce damaging stereotypes, ultimately leading to negative consequences for both the individuals themselves and the people they interact with.

One of the main issues with these dating products is their promotion of toxic dating. Toxic dating refers to a set of behaviors and beliefs that adhere to traditional stereotypes of masculinity, emphasizing emotional suppression. By encouraging men to adopt these toxic traits as the ideal, these products contribute to a harmful culture that perpetuates gender inequality, fosters unhealthy relationships, and devalues emotional intelligence.

Some dating products promise techniques or strategies that supposedly guarantee success with women, playing into the insecurities and desires of individuals who are seeking validation or companionship. However, these strategies often involve manipulative tactics, objectification of women, and the reinforcement of harmful gender roles. They teach men to view women as conquests to be won, rather than as equal partners in meaningful relationships.

Toxic dating can manifest in various ways, as it encompasses a range of harmful behaviors and dynamics. Here are a few examples:

Manipulative behavior: One partner may use manipulative tactics to control and dominate the other person. This can include gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and emotional blackmail, undermining the other person’s self-esteem and autonomy.

Objectification: Treating a partner as an object or possession rather than as an equal individual with their own thoughts, feelings, and desires. This can involve disregarding their boundaries, disregarding their opinions, and valuing them solely based on their physical appearance or other superficial qualities.

Lack of respect and consent: Disregarding or dismissing the partner’s boundaries, choices, and consent. This includes pressuring or coercing them into engaging in sexual activities or making decisions without their input.

Emotional abuse: Engaging in behaviors that inflict emotional harm on a partner, such as constant criticism, insults, humiliation, or withholding affection as a means of control. This erodes the other person’s self-worth and emotional well-being.

Control and isolation: Exerting excessive control over the partner’s actions, friendships, and activities. This can involve isolating them from friends and family, monitoring their communication, and dictating their choices, leading to a loss of independence and social support.

Double standards and gender inequality: Imposing different standards and expectations based on gender. This can involve enforcing traditional gender roles, devaluing the opinions or achievements of one gender, or perpetuating stereotypes that limit individuals’ freedom to express themselves authentically.

Verbal or physical aggression: Engaging in verbal or physical aggression, including shouting, name-calling, threats, or acts of violence. These behaviors create an atmosphere of fear and can cause severe emotional and physical harm.

Lack of accountability and blame-shifting: Refusing to take responsibility for one’s actions and instead blaming the partner for any issues or conflicts. This perpetuates a cycle of toxic behavior and prevents the growth and resolution of relationship problems.

Even if you possess psychological strategies for dating, it is important to understand that these alone will not guarantee a fulfilled relationship. While having some knowledge or understanding of dating dynamics can be beneficial, genuine fulfillment in a relationship goes beyond surface-level techniques or strategies.

Some of these products tell you to change your appearance (how you talk, how you walk and outwardly display yourself) may have an impact on your initial impressions, but it will not fix deeper underlying issues or guarantee long-lasting fulfillment. Focusing solely on changing appearance and body language cues can distract from addressing the deeper emotional, psychological, or relational challenges that may be contributing to feelings of dissatisfaction or unhappiness. These issues can include low self-esteem, unresolved traumas, lack of self-acceptance, or unsatisfying relationships.

It is crucial to understand that those who have been scammed by these individuals are not to blame. They were simply seeking guidance or assistance in their pursuit of fulfilling relationships, and unfortunately, they were misled, and not only are they misled, they live in world where toxic dating is normalized, individuals are often surrounded by unhealthy relationship dynamics that perpetuate harmful behaviors and beliefs.

This normalization of toxic dating can create a challenging environment where it becomes difficult to recognize and break free from these patterns.

These norms may prioritize superficial qualities, objectification, and power imbalances, while devaluing emotional intelligence, consent, and mutual respect.

Living in a world where toxic dating is the norm can lead individuals to internalize these beliefs and behaviors. They may feel pressure to conform to societal expectations, adopt manipulative strategies, or strive for an idealized image of masculinity or femininity that is often unattainable and harmful.

Moreover, the normalization of toxic dating can lead to the normalization of red flags and abusive behaviors. People may dismiss or overlook warning signs of unhealthy relationships, believing they are “normal” or an inevitable part of romantic interactions. This normalization can make it challenging for individuals to identify when they are in toxic or abusive situations.

And remember it is not your fault, as an opportunity seeker myself, I was trying to navigate a dating landscape that felt challenging and overwhelming. I did this primarily in my 20s and 30s. Wasting a lot of time. And a lot of money.

And it is not your fault that your are seeking ways to level the playing field and enhance your chances of finding fulfilling relationships through the use toxic culture psychological tactics.

In a world where the dynamics of dating have significantly evolved, with the rise of online platforms and changing societal attitudes, finding intimacy has become more complex. Diverging themes such as polyamory, hookup culture, and the prevalence of swipe-left mentality can make it harder to establish meaningful connections based on genuine compatibility and emotional depth.

Polyamory, for instance, introduces a different approach to relationships, emphasizing the possibility of multiple partners and non-monogamous arrangements. While this is a valid choice for some individuals, it can create confusion or challenges for those who seek more traditional, monogamous connections.

Additionally, the prevalence of swipe-left culture and online dating apps has made it easier to view potential partners as commodities, reducing people to profiles and superficial characteristics. This shift can sometimes overshadow the importance of building real connections and focusing on emotional compatibility and shared values.

It is what it is.

Unfortunately, things are not going to change anytime soon.

But there is a different way.

The terms “Opportunity Seeker” and “Meta Attraction” describe two different approaches to navigating the dating world:

“Opportunity Seeker:” An opportunity seeker in the dating world is someone who actively seeks opportunities to meet potential partners and improve their dating prospects. They may be open to trying various strategies, products, or resources that promise to enhance their chances of finding intimacy and connection. Their focus is on seizing opportunities to meet new people and explore potential relationships.

However, their approach is driven by a sense of urgency, neediness (to cloak their insecurities) or a desire for quick fixes, which can sometimes lead to vulnerability to scams or exploitative tactics. Playing into the toxic dating culture that is creating more harm than good.

“Meta Attraction:” A strategic and tactical influencer, on the other hand, approaches dating with a more calculated and deliberate mindset.

They employ strategic thinking and well-thought-out plans to enhance their dating experiences and achieve their relationship goals.

They may leverage their knowledge of social dynamics, emotional intelligence, and effective communication psychology to influence their dating outcomes positively.

They prioritize understanding their own needs and preferences, as well as those of potential partners, and use their skills and insights to build genuine connections based on compatibility and mutual respect.

In this approach, individuals recognize the influence of societal programming and norms on their beliefs, behaviors, and expectations in dating and relationships. They understand that social conditioning can lead to insecurities, limiting beliefs, and unhealthy patterns. By acknowledging this, they take proactive steps to challenge and dismantle these ingrained notions, allowing for personal growth and a more authentic approach to attraction and connection.

Now here’s what you can do today to stop being an opportunity seeker because they want you to be. Otherwise well, apps like Bumble, Tinder and Match.com would NOT exist. Basically you are dismantling the entire system when you do this approach.

By examining their own beliefs, motivations, and behaviors, individuals can gain awareness of the patterns and influences that have shaped their approach to dating and relationships. Here are some specific actions to consider:

Reflect on past experiences: Take some time to reflect on your past dating experiences and interactions. Consider any patterns or recurring themes that have emerged. Ask yourself why you were drawn to certain opportunities and strategies and how they have impacted your overall fulfillment.

Question societal norms: Challenge the societal norms and expectations that have influenced your beliefs and behaviors. Reflect on the messages you have received from media, family, friends, and society as a whole. Ask yourself if these messages align with your personal values and desires or if they have led you to adopt an opportunity-seeking mindset.

Evaluate your motivations: Explore your own motivations for seeking opportunities in dating. Are you primarily driven by a desire for external validation or a fear of being alone? Consider whether these motivations are truly serving your long-term happiness and fulfillment.

Practice self-acceptance and self-love: Cultivate self-acceptance and self-love by embracing your authentic self, including your strengths, weaknesses, and imperfections. Recognize that you are worthy of love and connection regardless of external validation or the pursuit of constant opportunities.

Focus on personal growth: Shift your focus from seeking external opportunities to personal growth and self-improvement. Invest in activities that foster self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and overall well-being. This can include therapy, mindfulness practices, engaging in hobbies, or pursuing meaningful goals.

Seek diverse perspectives: Broaden your understanding of healthy relationships by seeking out diverse perspectives and stories. Engage in conversations with friends, read books or articles, or listen to podcasts that challenge conventional dating ideologies and promote authentic connection and emotional compatibility.

Approaching dating from a meta perspective means having a higher level of self-awareness and the ability to evaluate behaviors and dynamics from an objective standpoint.

This is what you gain to benefit from “Meta Attraction:”

Authenticity and self-confidence: With a deeper understanding of your own values, desires, and personal growth, you can approach dating with greater authenticity. You can be more confident in expressing your true self, rather than relying on external strategies or seeking validation from others.

Conscious decision-making: By evaluating behaviors and dynamics through a meta perspective, you can make more conscious and intentional decisions in your dating life. You have the ability to recognize patterns, red flags, and unhealthy dynamics, allowing you to choose partners and relationships that align with your values and promote emotional well-being.

Enhanced communication: The meta perspective enables you to communicate more effectively and authentically. You can express your needs, boundaries, and desires with clarity, while also actively listening to and understanding your partner’s perspectives. This promotes healthier and more open communication, contributing to the development of genuine connections.

Better sex and intimacy: This creates a foundation of trust and emotional intimacy, allowing for deeper connections to flourish. The trust allows for the vulnerability of your sexual partner to open wide up, where you can explore the many facets of their sensuality.

Focus on compatibility and fulfillment: With a ‘Meta Attraction’ perspective, you shift your focus from chasing opportunities to prioritizing compatibility and fulfillment. You can evaluate potential partners based on shared values, emotional compatibility, and the potential for genuine connection. This leads to more fulfilling and satisfying relationships in the long run.

Emotional intelligence: Through self-reflection and personal growth, you develop a higher level of emotional intelligence. This allows you to navigate emotions, both your own and those of your partner, with greater understanding and empathy. You can engage in healthier conflict resolution, emotional support, and empathy-building, fostering deeper connections.

Consider, for a moment, rising above the incessant cycle of unsatisfying and prolonged encounters. Envision a different reality where your behaviors reflect a genuine pursuit of meaningful connections. How would you behave differently? How would your sex life be transformed?

Dr. Kali DuBois PhD

References

Strubel J, Petrie TA. Love me tinder: body image and psychosocial functioning among men and women. Body Image. 2017;21:34–8.

Lin LY, Sidani JE, Shensa A, Radovic A, Miller E, Colditz JB, et al. Association between social media use and depression among U.S. young adults. Depression Anxiety. 2016;33(4):323–31.

Banjanin N, Banjanin N, Dimitrijevic I, Pantic I. Relationship between internet use and depression: focus on physiological mood oscillations, social networking and online addictive behavior. Comput Hum Behav. 2015;43:308–12.