Passive-Aggressive Behavior in D/s Training: Why It Ruins the Dynamic and Makes New Dommes Quit

In the world of dominance and submission (D/s), training is a crucial process. It takes patience, communication, and trust for both partners to grow into their roles. However, one of the most common and damaging issues in a D/s relationship is passive-aggressive behavior from the submissive — especially when the Dominant is new and still developing their skills.

This problem becomes even more pronounced when the submissive is eager for an extreme scene, expecting their Domme to be a masterful force from day one. When unrealistic expectations meet inexperience, frustration sets in, and passive-aggression seeps into the relationship. This not only derails the dynamic but can completely demotivate the new Dominant from continuing the journey at all.

What Does Passive-Aggressive Behavior Look Like in D/s Training?

Passive-aggression is a form of indirect resistance. Instead of openly communicating frustration or disappointment, the submissive subtly undermines the process. This can manifest in several ways:

😞 Sarcasm & Snarky Remarks — “Oh sure, you totally know what you’re doing.”

😞 Intentional Misinterpretation — Acting confused about instructions just to frustrate the Domme.

😞 Deliberate Forgetfulness — Constantly “forgetting” rules, rituals, or commands.

😞 Slow Compliance — Dragging feet, making obedience feel like a chore.

😞 Emotional Manipulation — Playing the victim when things don’t go their way.

😞 Passive Defiance — Agreeing to rules but subtly refusing to follow through.

😞 Comparisons to Others — “My last Dom did it this way…”

Why Does This Happen?

This behavior often arises when one person in the dynamic has more experience or stronger desires for extreme play, while the other is still learning. If the submissive craves intense experiences — like heavy bondage, humiliation, or edge play — but their new Domme is still mastering the fundamentals, frustration builds.

Rather than expressing this frustration directly, the submissive may act out in ways that create emotional distance. They might see their Domme as “not good enough” yet and unconsciously sabotage the process, hoping to push them into becoming more dominant faster. Unfortunately, this often has the opposite effect.

How It Damages the Dynamic

😞 Breaks Trust and Connection — Passive-aggression erodes the foundation of trust. The Domme begins to feel disrespected, while the submissive feels unheard.

😞 Destroys the Domme’s Confidence — A new Dominant needs encouragement and room to grow. Constant undermining makes them feel inadequate, leading to self-doubt and hesitation.

😞 Shifts the Focus from Training to Managing Resistance — Instead of refining their dominance skills, the new Domme is forced to manage defiance and emotional resistance, making the process exhausting.

😞 Breeds Resentment — Over time, both partners feel unfulfilled. The submissive becomes frustrated by the lack of progress, while the Domme feels unappreciated and unmotivated.

😞 Kills the Desire to Train — Eventually, the new Domme may decide it’s not worth the effort. If every interaction feels like a battle rather than a journey, they may walk away altogether.

Why a New Domme Might Quit

Many new Dominants step into the role with excitement and a willingness to learn. However, when faced with a submissive who is pushing for extreme play without patience, they may feel pressured to perform beyond their current skill set. If they constantly feel like they are being tested, manipulated, or subtly insulted, they may lose all interest in the dynamic. No one wants to feel like they’re being set up to fail.

How to Fix It 😊

If you recognize passive-aggressive behaviors in yourself or your submissive partner, it’s important to address them before they cause lasting damage.

😊 Open and Honest Communication — Instead of acting out, verbalize concerns. “I really crave more intensity, but I understand you’re still learning. How can we work towards that together?”

😊 Patience and Realistic Expectations — A Domme’s growth takes time. A submissive who genuinely wants an intense experience needs to recognize that forcing it too soon will only create barriers.

😊 Encouragement Instead of Criticism — Instead of passive-aggressive jabs, acknowledge progress. “I loved how you handled that last scene. It makes me excited for what’s to come.”

😊 Focus on the Journey, Not Just the Destination — Instead of fixating on an extreme end goal, appreciate each step in the learning process. Training isn’t just about the final product — it’s about the bond that forms along the way.

😊 Self-Awareness in Both Roles — If a submissive realizes they are being passive-aggressive, they should reflect on what’s triggering it. Is it impatience? Fear that their needs won’t be met? Feeling out of control in a new way? The same goes for a new Domme — if they feel unmotivated, they should consider whether the submissive’s behavior is draining their enthusiasm.

Final Thoughts

D/s training is a shared experience that requires mutual respect and dedication. A submissive who genuinely desires an intense experience must recognize that a new Domme cannot provide that instantly. If they truly want to build something lasting, they must nurture their Dominant’s growth rather than sabotage it with passive-aggressive resistance.

The best D/s relationships thrive on trust, patience, and clear communication. Instead of treating dominance as something that should happen overnight, embrace the process and enjoy the evolution. A new Domme will only want to train a submissive who is enthusiastic, supportive, and ready to grow together — not someone who sets them up for failure.