People are NOT 1 Thing — They Are Multifaceted
So many people are into BDSM but remain stuck in the constraints of monogamy and vanilla norms.
They limit themselves by believing there’s only one way — the way dictated by society or media-influenced BDSM and polyamory. And don’t get me started on poly being taught by people who aren’t truly polyamorous. They have a husband, kids, and sleep with others — that’s called swinging. Let’s return to clear definitions. It’s like Bozo the Clown teaching polyamory. They can’t even get a boyfriend or girlfriend. Try getting a girlfriend first, buddy.
Sometimes these people make me sick. And I’m not immune either. Social conditioning is at the root of our neurosis.
One time, my slave started talking down to me, using our age difference as if I hadn’t lived a full life, been married, and understood my own complexities. He misread me completely. I was already moody from traveling and dealing with a month of put-downs from my parents. On top of that, I’m running two companies and submitting doctoral research for graduation. I was super nervous about meeting him. I wanted to get close, take off my mask, and let him see the real me — and he did.
Sometimes he’s annoyed with me because something got triggered, sometimes he’s feeling deeply connected and cared for sexually and otherwise, and sometimes he’s just mindless.
I’ve been through what I call a meat grinder, and by 6 a.m. most days, I’m swimming laps, working until I collapse, and then hitting the gym. On days I have to take off, I take off because my body feels like it’s about to break, and I need to stare endlessly at a blank wall to recalibrate.
With that said, I adore my slave. He gives me what I need (space) so I can be me. He lets me expand my skill set upon him and provides honest feedback.
A lot of people have asked me about my philosophy on living sexually. It has evolved over the years. I see that there are many possibilities out there that we fail to see because we’re fed certain beliefs about ourselves and how to get from A to B, which is often a fallacy.
Open your eyes to the other possibilities; you’re missing out.
For women: Own your life. Make your own money, own your home, and your vehicles.
Create a life for yourself without relying on a man. Stand strong in your decisions.
Rewire your responses to the need for a father figure after the age of 18, especially if it’s not your biological father.
For men: Understand that your lover is NOT your mother. Stop framing her as such, even if she’s had your children. She is not your mother.
Learn to navigate the various phases of female sexual development. Women often become more sexual as they age.
Also, know that it’s not your job to be just a provider. You are not a workhorse; you have emotions, so deal with them.
Express your emotions outwardly to those involved with you sexually in a way that’s productive and conducive to the kind of relationship you want.
If you scream, expect screaming back. If you ghost, people will think you’re a flake. If you kowtow, you’ll be treated like a doormat.
Question your behaviors and beliefs about what it means to be a man in relation to a woman. Where did they develop?
Know that there’s much more to life than marriage, children, and careers. There are ways to have relationships that are not textbook.
And not everyone is a narcissistic asshole or bipolar or labeled with a dis-ease. People are multifaceted, not just one thing.
Kali DuBois
