Sex as a Performance for the Male Gaze

5 min read6 days ago

You think you’re having sex for you.

That it’s about your pleasure. That your moans are real. That you arch your back, bite your lip, and move just like that because you’re in the moment.

But what if I told you that, for most of your life, you’ve been performing? That your sexuality has been shaped not by what feels good, but by what looks good — through a camera lens, through the eyes of men, through an invisible but ever-present audience that has been training you since birth?

Welcome to sex under the male gaze.

What Is the Male Gaze?

Laura Mulvey coined the term “male gaze” in her 1975 essay Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema to describe how media is structured around a heterosexual male viewer.

In this world:

Women exist to be looked at.
Women’s pleasure is only valuable if it enhances a man’s experience.
Women are objects — something to be consumed, rather than active agents of their own desires.

And here’s the kicker: You don’t even need a man in the room for the male gaze to control you.

You’ve internalized it.

How the Male Gaze Dictates Your Sex Life

You might think: I don’t perform for men. I have sex because I enjoy it. But do you? Or have you just been trained to thinkyou enjoy certain things because they’re what men expect?

Let’s break it down.

1. You’ve Been Taught That “Hot” Sex = Porn Sex

From an early age, we are all exposed to male-driven depictions of sex — porn, movies, music videos, ads selling burgers using women’s bodies.

The message? Sex is about men. Women exist to be sexy, not to experience sex.

And so, what happens? You learn to mimic what looks good on screen, rather than what feels good in your body.

Penetration-focused sex? That’s porn. Most women don’t orgasm from it.
Loud, exaggerated moaning? That’s porn. Most real pleasure isn’t that performative.
Hairless, flawless, perfectly positioned bodies? That’s porn. But you’re holding in your stomach instead of feelingwhat’s happening.

Is it pleasure? Or is it just a performance?

📖 Source: Linda Williams, Hard Core: Power, Pleasure, and the “Frenzy of the Visible” (1989) — Explores how porn has shaped women’s ideas of sex, prioritizing visibility over sensation.

2. Your Orgasms Are for Him, Not for You

Ever faked it? Ever rushed to orgasm because you felt like you should?

Most women have. Because deep down, we’ve been taught that sex is incomplete unless the man gets off. That his orgasm matters more. That our pleasure is only valid if it makes him feel like a stud.

You see this everywhere:

Movies show men orgasming, but rarely women.
Straight men call sex “bad” if they don’t finish, but don’t question whether the woman did.
Women internalize guilt for “taking too long” or needing something outside the default script (like clitoral stimulation) to actually climax.

So, do you orgasm for you? Or do you orgasm to reassure him that he’s doing a good job?

📖 Source: Laurie Mintz, Becoming Cliterate (2017) — Explains how cultural conditioning leads women to prioritize men’s pleasure over their own.

3. You’ve Been Trained to See Yourself Through a Man’s Eyes

Have you ever caught yourself adjusting your body during sex? Arching your back, worrying about angles, sucking in your stomach — because you want to look good rather than feel good?

That’s the male gaze inside your head.

Women are raised to be aware of how they appear at all times. Even in moments of supposed intimacy. Even when no one’s watching.

This isn’t an accident.

Girls are trained from a young age to view their worth through attractiveness.
Women are taught that being “hot” is more important than being sexually fulfilled.
The ability to please a man is tied to self-esteem and desirability.

So instead of asking Do I want this? the real question women have learned to ask is:

👉 Do I look good doing this?

📖 Source: Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth (1991) — Breaks down how women are socialized to prioritize their attractiveness over their actual desires.

4. Your Turn-Ons Have Been Engineered

What if I told you that even your fantasies, your kinks, and your sexual preferences aren’t entirely yours?

We learn what is “hot” from the culture around us. And that culture is deeply male-centric.

This is why:

Women internalize shame for wanting control in bed — because passivity is the preferred script.
Kinks that prioritize female pleasure (like cunnilingus) are underrepresented in mainstream porn.
Women’s sexual desires are often pathologized or dismissed — unless they cater to male fantasies.

Ever wonder why so many women struggle to articulate what they actually want in bed? It’s because they’ve never been encouraged to explore that question. The only question that mattered was:

What do men want from me?

📖 Source: Michel Foucault, The History of Sexuality (1976) — Explores how social structures dictate what is considered “normal” or “deviant” in human sexuality.

So, How Do You Break Free?

First, understand this: The male gaze is not just about men.

It’s about the invisible rules governing your sexuality — the expectations you never questioned, the conditioning that made you prioritize being wanted over actually wanting.

So ask yourself:

What turns me on when I take men out of the equation?
Have I ever had sex where I wasn’t aware of how I looked?
Am I doing this because I enjoy it… or because I think I should?

The hardest part of breaking free isn’t rejecting men — it’s unlearning the performance.

Because true sexual liberation isn’t about being seen as sexy.

It’s about being so immersed in your own pleasure that you forget to care.

Final Thought: Who Are You When No One’s Watching?

Because that’s the real you. And she deserves to have sex that’s felt, not performed.