“Sexual State Control”
Navigating our own sexual and romantic feelings and influencing those of others is one of the most crucial skills in life. Most individuals will make relationship decisions logically, but it’s their emotional and romantic state, along with the intensity of their feelings, that will compel them to act and persevere through the turbulent times of a relationship.
This is a significant component of our emotional intelligence.
One effective way to enhance our understanding of these feelings is to start observing how different emotional states affect us and those around us.
A personal learning moment for me was during my time spent on OKCupid, a dating app. When I receive a rejection or no response, I tend to get frustrated with myself. The immediate effect is that I become distracted and less attentive for a while, thereby diminishing my chances of creating a successful interaction with the next potential match. Instead, it’s more effective for me to view rejection as valuable feedback and a signal to adjust my approach in the next interaction, which greatly enhances my overall experience.
There are countless beneficial emotional states, and various combinations of these states can be useful in different scenarios. A useful state for personal growth is curiosity. Other helpful states include passion, spontaneity, and affection.
A good starting point is to identify several emotional states that are beneficial in various circumstances. How do they affect us? How do they influence those around us?
Every emotional state can be helpful, depending on the context and how we utilize it. Take a look at the following list of emotional states. Which ones are likely to be useful in a variety of situations? Which ones may not be as beneficial?
Conquering seemingly impossible love: A blend of curiosity, passion, romantic purpose, autonomy, and mastery — all backed by a progression of clear, short-term relationship goals. (Inspired by the concept of “flow” in Steven Kotler’s “The Rise of Superman”)
Building any relationship: The investment of time, dedicated attention, a supportive network (your romantic mastermind), and consistent motivation. (Stephen Christopher’s concept of business growth, applied to relationships, from his book “Unshackled Leadership”)
Receiving relationship advice: Having a clear desire for love, courage to be vulnerable, disciplined commitment, and honesty in expressing feelings. (Adapted from the coaching principles in Marshall Goldsmith’s “Triggers”)
Charisma in romance (seduction): Projecting energy, fostering authentic emotional connection, exhibiting courageous vulnerability, having unwavering conviction, and maintaining a playful demeanor. (Inspired by the charisma building process in Charlie Houpert’s “Charisma on Command”)
Navigating romantic changes: An equilibrium of assertiveness, a playful attitude, and tenderness. (Adapted from the therapeutic approach in Stephen Gilligan’s “Generative Trance”)
Crafting a love story: Fueled by curiosity, generous love, and a profound connection. (Echoes Seth Godin’s approach to creativity in “The Icarus Deception”, applied to romantic relationships)
Fostering gratitude in a relationship: Acceptance of each other’s flaws, allowing for individual growth, and mutual receptiveness. (No specific book reference)
Building deep connections in a relationship: Cultivating kindness, shared vulnerability, understanding, and effective communication. (Inspired by the relationship philosophy in The School of Life’s “How to Find Love”)
Forming a solid relationship: Cultivating mutual attraction, emotional friendship, and an equal partnership. (Based on the relationship dynamics in Paul Dobransky’s “The Power of Female Friendship”)
Essential romantic skills: Developing self-awareness, skepticism (to protect oneself from toxic relationships), tolerance for romantic risks, compassionate understanding, and patience in love. (Inspired by the self-improvement methods in Mark Manson’s “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck”)
Less than-useful states
While all states can be useful in various contexts, I’m very cautious about the impact of a mix of resentful, deceitful and/or arrogant. They destroy connection, which is essential for success and fulfilment.
How can we direct our romantic and sexual feelings?
Through our memories and imagination: By recalling particular memories, we can bring back certain emotional states associated with those experiences. When we vividly imagine the details of a romantic or sensual memory (the sights, sounds, touches, tastes, and scents), we can revive those feelings in the present. Similarly, we can use our imagination to envisage scenarios that evoke desired emotional states, making these feelings more accessible for future situations.
By adjusting our physicality and breath: Our physical state often mirrors our emotional state, observable in our posture, breathing, and tone of voice. By intentionally altering these physical aspects, we can influence our emotional state. For example, adopting confident posture or slower, deeper breaths can foster feelings of calm and confidence, often helpful in romantic or sexual contexts.
Through the questions we ask: The questions we ask ourselves and others can significantly influence our emotional state. For instance, dwelling on past romantic failures may lead us to feel discouraged, whereas focusing on what we’ve learned from these experiences and how we can improve in future relationships can generate a more positive, hopeful state.
Through our beliefs and stories: The narratives we hold about ourselves, our partners, and our relationships play a significant role in shaping our emotional state. Believing that our actions serve a purpose, and that they will ultimately benefit us and/or our partner, can reduce negativity and increase positivity. A belief in the value and potential of a relationship can make the difference between feeling disheartened or motivated to persevere.
Through acceptance: Embracing acceptance, whether it’s of our current emotional state, our partner’s feelings, or the reality of our relationship, can help reduce negative emotions and increase emotional stability. Practices such as mindfulness and meditation can enhance our ability to accept various situations in our romantic and sexual life, helping us make the best of them and move towards our desires.
Treat an uncomfortable sexual state as a messenger, essential to listen to, but not necessarily invited into the house! Consider a state strategy such as Anger, frustration, irritation, annoyance, oh well, whatever, silly human — to curiosity, what’s the best action I can take now?
Now if people actually did the following (Above) they would have fucking amazing encounters. But they rely on stupid information like “Love Languages” which are very distorted categories, and only 5. Dumb.
Dr. Kali DuBois
