The Bangin’ Bod Bootcamp: Getting in Shape for Better Sex (For Men)
There she was, Susan, rolling her eyes at the sight of her husband, Dave, lumbering into the bedroom like an asthmatic walrus. She couldn’t help but daydream about trading in her out-of-shape couch potato for a chiseled Adonis who wouldn’t break a sweat just by climbing the stairs.
She longed for the days of passionate romps in the sheets, instead of their current “two-pump chump” routine that left her snoring before her head even hit the pillow. “Maybe it’s time to sign us up for a couple’s boot camp,” she mused, smirking at the thought of Dave’s bewildered expression as he’d be forced to trade his beloved cheeseburgers for kale smoothies. “Okay, okay Dr. Kali DuBois, we get it!”
Have you ever fucked an out-of-shape Walrus? And you’re left as a woman, totally unsatisfied, wanting more sex, wanting more orgasms, maybe the guy didn’t even play with your loose sacks of breast tissue. That you will never get surgery on anyways. “Okay, okay Dr. Kali DuBois enough!”
Alright, fellas okay enough of my ranting!
Are you tired of huffing and puffing your way through your bedroom shenanigans? Are you ready to trade your Dad-bod for a Sex-God physique? Well, strap on your sweatbands and prepare to laugh your way to a fitter, more satisfying sex life with our crude and comical guide to getting in shape for better sex.
The Mighty Sexerciser
First up, it’s time to pump some iron (and not just in the bedroom). A strong body is the foundation for a killer sex life, so hit the gym and start building those muscles. Focus on exercises that target key sex muscles, like squats for thrusting power, push-ups for missionary mastery, and planks for doggy-style dominance. Just remember not to skip leg day, or you’ll end up looking like a top-heavy chicken.
The Marathon Moaner
Stamina is the name of the game when it comes to sex, so it’s time to lace up those sneakers and hit the pavement. Cardio exercises like running, swimming, or biking will not only help you shed those extra pounds but also increase your endurance for those all-night romps. Plus, you’ll have the added bonus of looking like a sweaty Adonis as you jog through the park.
The Flexi-Fornicator
Did you know that flexibility can take your sex life to new heights (and angles)? Incorporate some yoga or Pilates into your fitness routine to stretch those muscles and increase your range of motion. You’ll be able to twist and bend into all sorts of naughty positions, making you a veritable bedroom contortionist. Just try not to get too tangled up, or you’ll end up with a sex-related injury that’s tough to explain at the ER.
The Nutty Nutritionist
We hate to break it to you, but your beer-and-burger diet isn’t doing your sex life any favors. It’s time to trade in the junk food for some healthier options that’ll fuel your body and libido. Fill up on aphrodisiacs like oysters, dark chocolate, and chili peppers to turn up the heat in the bedroom. And hey, you can still enjoy the occasional pizza — just make sure it’s topped with libido-boosting ingredients like garlic, spinach, and artichokes.
The Kegel King
Who says Kegels are just for women? Strengthening your pelvic floor muscles can lead to stronger erections, better orgasm control, and more intense climaxes. So, start squeezing those bad boys like it’s your job, and you’ll be well on your way to becoming the Kegel King of the bedroom.
With a little sweat, you can whip your body into shape for a more satisfying sex life. So, get ready to laugh your way to a fitter, sexier, and more confident you — both in and out of the bedroom. Now, drop and give us 20 (Kegel squeezes, that is)!!!
