The Father Wound and Letting Go of Dating Older Men…

I’ve had multiple older lovers throughout my adult life. One of them, Gavin, was 17 years older, and we were together on and off for nearly two decades. I met him in my early 20s, while I was still married to my former husband, James, who was off sleeping with his herbalist and who knows who else, while I lived alone in a big, empty house in Phoenix and went to graduate school.

Gavin came into my life at a seminar. He was, quite literally, a rocket scientist — tall, intelligent, and someone I was instantly drawn to. I’ve always had a thing for tall guys. We talked about quantum mechanics, and I even got to watch a space shuttle launch with him, a project he had worked on for nearly 20 years. That part of our time together was really special.

We lived together on and off, but we were never really a couple. It was more of a D/s relationship, but without the ropes or overt kinks — more psychological than anything else.

But here’s the thing — over time, I realized older men just didn’t work out for me. It wasn’t just about the age gap; it was the emotional baggage they carried. Most of the men I’d been involved with wanted me out of the adult industry. I thought maybe leaving it behind, or even earning my PhD, would make them love me more. But the answer was always no — they never gave me more respect, and their love or desire to truly be my companion never deepened.

They were stuck in their own unresolved issues, and I needed more. I wanted someone who could match my energy, not someone who was content to just lay around. I’m still in my prime — my libido is off the charts, I can have marathons of sex, and my bio markers say I’m 31, not nearly 40. Why settle for someone who can’t keep up with me?

Here’s the thing: a lot of women prefer older men because they have disposable income, but I’m not interested in draining anyone financially. I’m here to live life, to hike, cycle, climb, see the world, and get fucked on beaches. And have you seen me in a thong bikini? Why would I settle for someone with half the agility when I can still live life to the fullest?

So yeah, looking back, if I had addressed my father wound — wanting more attention from my workaholic dad — I might not have gone after older men. Or maybe I still would have. Either way, I know now that I need someone who can keep pace with my life, not someone stuck in theirs.