“The Hooker Guy” — A Case File
When Your Husband Spends Your Money And You Send His Sorry Ass to Me
You get all kinds of clients in my line of work. People with mommy issues, daddy issues, commitment issues — you name it. But every once in a while, the universe gifts me a client so profoundly, spectacularly dumb, it’s almost poetic.
Let me introduce you to Hooker Guy.
He waddled into my office one Tuesday afternoon, looking like a guilty golden retriever who’d just chewed up an $800 shoe. His hair was slightly disheveled, his shirt untucked, and he had that unmistakable air of someone who’d recently Googled “how to make my wife stop hating me.”
“Dr. DuBois,” he said, his voice shaking. “I think I might be… broken.”
The Case Unfolds…
Now, I always let my clients tell their stories before I pass judgment. But with this one, I barely made it to minute three before I had to interrupt.
“So let me get this straight,” I said, leaning back in my chair. “You thought it was a good idea to withdraw $500 from your joint account — without telling your wife — and spend it on a stripper named Candy?”
“Uh… technically, she’s a hooker,” he mumbled, as if this clarification somehow improved his situation.
I let out a long, dramatic sigh and scribbled something on my notepad. “Hopelessly stupid. Start with basic human decency.”
Step One: Diagnosing the Dumbness
The problem wasn’t just that he’d spent the money. No, no, no. The problem was the mindset.
“So what were you thinking, exactly?” I asked, peering over my glasses.
He shifted uncomfortably. “I just… I don’t know. It seemed like a good idea at the time?”
“Oh, sweetie,” I said, shaking my head. “You didn’t think. That’s your first problem.”
Step Two: Breaking Him Down
To fix a person, you sometimes have to deconstruct them first. And let me tell you, this guy was an Ikea shelf of poor decisions — impossible to assemble without a manual and about as sturdy as a house of cards.
“Do you realize how dumb this is?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“Do you realize why?”
“…No?”
“Because you didn’t just betray your wife’s trust. You also betrayed your own common sense. If your brain were a car, the check engine light would be flashing.”
Step Three: The Reprogramming
I decided to start small. You can’t just drop enlightenment on someone like this — it’s like trying to explain calculus to a hamster. Instead, I focused on baby steps.
So I walked up to him, and every time he dared to open his eyes while in trance, I slapped him across the face.
And then I said lightly,
“Whenever you get an impulsive thought,” I said, “imagine it’s a toddler screaming, ‘I want candy!’ What do you do with the toddler?”
“Distract it?” he guessed.
“Exactly. Distract your inner toddler with something productive. Next time you feel like doing something dumb, go clean a closet or make your wife dinner.”
I also hypnotized him — because, frankly, it was the only way to guarantee he’d retain anything I said. I implanted a simple suggestion: The word hooker now makes you think of tax audits.
Watching his eyes flutter open after the session was pure gold. “I feel… weird,” he said.
“Good,” I replied. “That’s your brain rewiring itself.”
He came back a few weeks later, looking like a new man. His wife wasn’t ready to renew their vows or anything, but she’d stopped glaring at him over breakfast, which was a start.
