The Many Times I’ve Been Catfished: A Tale of Ghosts, Liars, and Manipulators

Over the years, I’ve dealt with a parade of men whose intentions were as dubious as their stories. You’d think by now, after a decade in the dating game and a couple of advanced degrees under my belt, I’d be immune to the nonsense. Yet, every so often, I find myself face-to-face with another charmer who’s either deluded or thinks I’m naive enough to buy into their elaborate tales.

Here’s a rundown of some of the most absurd characters who have crossed my path, each one leaving me more baffled than the last.

Crazy Chris: The Vanishing Act

Ah, Chris. He appeared in my life while I was deep into my PhD program. One day, he’d call me from some random location, professing his undying admiration, only to vanish for days at a time without a trace. This was the guy who, in one of his more grandiose gestures, rode his bike from Seattle to Tucson. Why? Who knows. He lived for these dramatic entrances and sudden exits.

I would listen to his breathless stories, intrigued and somewhat charmed, but then he’d pull his signature disappearing act. Days would go by, sometimes weeks, before I’d hear from him again, as if nothing strange had happened. “Sorry, I’ve been busy,” he’d say. Busy doing what, exactly? It remains a mystery to this day.

The “Harvard Law Professor” with a Patronizing Streak

Next, there was the guy who claimed he was a Harvard law professor. You’d think someone of that stature would have better things to do than to engage in long-winded phone conversations with me for hours on end. But no, he seemed to revel in these calls. At first, I thought, “Why not? Let’s see where this goes.”

But then the patronizing questions started. “Don’t you want real love?” he’d ask in that insufferable tone that made my skin crawl. The sheer audacity! As if I, with my background and education, needed his guidance on what love was supposed to look like. “What the fuck,” I thought. Who was he trying to fool? He clearly had no grasp on reality, but it was amusing to listen to him pontificate — until it wasn’t.

Peter: The “Busy” Entrepreneur

Then there was Peter, a man who took playing hard-to-get to new heights. He was building a company, or so he claimed, though a quick market search revealed only 1,000 global monthly searches for his product. Not exactly what you’d call a booming business. Yet, this was his excuse every time he went MIA.

He’d take a month to return a simple text, always citing how “busy” he was. Really? Too busy to reply to a single message? I wasn’t born yesterday. I have a master’s in marketing. I know how to spot a flimsy excuse when I see one. His behavior became so predictable it was almost laughable. It’s a classic move of someone trying to appear more important than they are.

The Portland Guy: Master of Unrealistic Expectations

Now, this one was truly bizarre. I met a guy in Portland who had it all planned out: he wanted to marry me, have me bear his third child, and take control of everything in his life. In exchange, he’d just be a workaholic who handed over the reins to me. Oh, and he wanted to be sexually submissive too, all while not thinking or worrying about anything.

It was a whole package deal, except it wasn’t. I was supposed to fix his life, organize his chaos, and take on a role that was more fantasy than reality. A man who clearly hadn’t thought through what he was asking for. The absurdity of it was almost comical.

The Latest Catfish: Sexting for Free

Most recently, I encountered a guy who pretended to be into me for exactly two dates. It was a whirlwind of compliments and sweet words, and for a fleeting moment, I thought, “Maybe this one’s different.” Spoiler alert: he wasn’t.

His endgame became clear soon enough — he wanted to sext for free, to get his kicks without putting in the effort of actually caring about me. The lies about his life unraveled faster than he could keep up with them. It was such a textbook case of manipulation that I almost laughed when I pieced it together.

What I’ve Learned

Each of these encounters has been a reminder of just how many men out there have a warped sense of what relationships should be. They put on masks, play characters, and hope I’m gullible enough to buy into their stories. Some disappear when things get real, while others are so deep into their fantasies that they don’t see how absurd they sound.

But here’s the thing: I’m not the person they seem to think I am. I’m not some naïve woman waiting to be swept off her feet by empty promises. I’m well-versed in reading people, and I can spot a catfish a mile away. These experiences haven’t left me jaded; they’ve just sharpened my radar for bullshit.