The Unspoken Rules of Sex (That He Doesn’t Even Realize He Follows)

He doesn’t think about them. Not consciously, anyway. These rules — etched into his mind like the background music in a film — play out in every interaction, every touch, every moment of hesitation or hunger. Some were taught, some absorbed, some never questioned.

And yet, they shape everything.

Rule #1: Sex is Earned, Not Given.

No one outright told him this. But the lesson was there, from the way movies framed the “nice guy gets the girl” to the invisible tension of dating — where every move felt like a step in some unseen courtship dance. He learned to believe sex wasn’t just something that happened; it had to be won. Through charm. Through effort. Through the delicate tightrope walk of not seeming too interested but also not indifferent.

If he failed, if she wasn’t interested — what did that say about him?

Rule #2: He’s Supposed to Know Exactly What to Do.

Men don’t ask for directions, and they sure as hell don’t ask for guidance in the bedroom. That’s the rule, right? He’s supposed to show up already an expert, already skilled in the unspoken language of bodies and desire.

The first time? Figure it out.

The second time? She better not be bored.

The tenth time? He should be the best she’s ever had.

Admitting he doesn’t know something? That’s weakness. And so he learns to fake confidence, to assume the role of the man who leads, who controls, who delivers pleasure as if it were second nature. Even when he’s second-guessing everything in his head.

Rule #3: His Desire Must Be Controlled.

Wanting too much makes him desperate.

Wanting too little makes him broken.

So, he finds the balance — enough desire to make her feel wanted, but never so much that it crosses into neediness. Need is ugly. Need is weakness. He must be in control, always, even if his body screams otherwise.

The same society that sells sex everywhere tells him to rein himself in. Don’t be the guy who pushes too hard, but also don’t be the guy who isn’t confident enough. Don’t be the one who hesitates.

Make the first move, but make sure she wants it.

Take charge, but don’t be aggressive.

Be dominant, but not toxic.

So he walks the tightrope. And sometimes, it feels like a setup.

Rule #4: Performance Over Presence.

Does he feel good? Doesn’t matter.

Is he enjoying himself? Secondary.

Is she enjoying herself? Everything.

He has been conditioned to be a performer — measured not by his own pleasure, but by hers. If she doesn’t orgasm, it’s his failure. If she seems disappointed, it’s his burden to carry.

So he studies. He learns the techniques, the tricks, the pressure points. Because that’s how a man wins at sex, right? By knowing how to unlock the right responses in her.

Not by being in the moment. Not by exploring what he actually likes. But by making sure she does.

Because good sex isn’t about what he feels. It’s about what he delivers.

Rule #5: Vulnerability Is a Risk.

There’s a moment, post-orgasm, where something inside him shifts. A softness. A calm. A strange kind of openness he can’t fully name.

And then? He shuts it down.

Because if he lingers too long in that space, something happens. He starts to feel too much. The walls begin to drop, and he remembers that sex isn’t just physical. That it’s tied to something deeper — something dangerous.

He tells himself that’s not what this is.

He makes a joke, rolls over, finds a way to ground himself back into the familiar.

Because vulnerability is exposure. Exposure is risk.

Better to stay in control.

Rule #6: He Wants to Be Wanted.

He won’t say it outright. He won’t even let himself think about it.

But deep down, beneath all the unwritten rules, beneath the quiet expectations, beneath the years of navigating what a man is supposed to be in the bedroom — he wants one thing more than anything.

To be desired.

Not just tolerated.

Not just appreciated.

Not just skilled or impressive or “good at it.”

But to be wanted, in the way he’s been taught only women get to be.

To have someone hunger for him — not because he’s earned it, not because he’s performed well, not because he said all the right things —

But just because he exists.

Kali