These are the “5 Common Lies” Done In Dating
It’s those lies they tell us to fuck us once, maybe twice, and then disappear.
Researchers call these lies “relationship-initiating behaviors” or “sexual priming.”
Now before we go pointing fingers, we can all begin to notice the lies we have done.
When I started casually dating my long-term partner and now friend Andrew, I told him that I wasn’t a “jeans and sneakers kind of woman.” That was a blatant lie; I pretty much wear black jeans every day.
On some primal level, I think I was trying to take stabs in the dark at the type of woman he’d find attractive.
Most of you readers already know Andrew and have met him over the years at my events.
Now back to this research.
The research was pretty simple: when participants were paired with people of the opposite gender and told to have a conversation, they lied about themselves more often if they had been asked to watch pornography before entering the room.
More specifically, they lied to make themselves seem more similar to their conversation partner, in some cases even lying about their political opinions or knocking a few notches off their bedposts when asked how many people they’d slept with.
Psychologist Terri Fisher, PhD supports a similar illustration of the dating game, in which people will say just about “anything” to a person they’re trying to have sex with.
In 2018, a study conducted by Stanford discovered the most common type of lie we tell prospective sex partners: the “I’m too busy lie,” [and when we’re not together] “I’m doing whatever thing you’d find most impressive.”
There are the 5 most common lies,
1. Lying about your lifestyle
If you’ve never had the displeasure of browsing men’s profiles on Tinder, Bumble, and other dating apps, this is a pretty succinct summation: every guy has a picture with his adorable niece or someone’s adorable dog, a picture on the dance-floor at a friend’s wedding, a shot with an unidentified attractive woman, and a photo taken at the top of a mountain or on a boat, holding a fish.
But that’s obviously not the case; we all just curate our dating profiles to appear more outdoorsy, active, interesting and beloved by our peers than anyone could realistically be.
I recently got the pleasure of meeting a man who I thought was a sailor, he was not a sailor, he just had a photo of him sailing.
I’ve sailed since my youth. It’s a big thing to me.
He doesn’t sail. You ever feel like you’re getting scammed with false ads on these dating sites? You see the guy sailing, and you’re like “ah yes finally” the guy for me, we will retire and sail. Not happening.
False advertising is defined as the act of publishing, transmitting, or otherwise publicly circulating an advertisement containing a false claim, or statement, made intentionally to promote the sale of property, goods, or services.
2. “I’m more interesting and cultured than you’d think!”
If you’ve ever suspected your date was making a reference to something and panic-Googled the contents of their text message, you probably understand what this lie feels like.
Nobody wants to tell someone they find attractive that they haven’t seen as many movies, read as many books, or listened to as many podcasts as they have. That their favorite afternoon hobby is getting a spray tan and wearing tight spandex in a gym full of sweaty men.
3. “I’m more busy than you’d think!”
If humans were cold, calculating animals, we’d probably tell prospective sexual partners to come over literally anytime. “I’m home watching tv in my underwear,” we’d say, “but I will throw everything off my coffee table and brush my teeth immediately if you’re free to swing by and give me some head.”
But we’re not; we’re lying pigs, so even if you’re available to spend time with the woman you like (or the man you like), there’s a chance you’ll play your cards a little closer to the chest when she asks you out.
4. Lying about your emotions
Love is messy, but everyone knows it is. You’re allowed to act a little “out there” when you’re mutually in love with another person, because emotions are (at least in the beginning of a relationship) evidence that you care. But before you’ve locked it down and had the “what are we?” conversation, most of us understand that it’s common practice to gloss over your emotions. You might say to a date, “that’s cool if you have to cancel, no worries,” as you simultaneously call your best friend to ask why you always chase unavailable people.
I don’t do this anymore, I tell people to stop masking emotions.
I’m a psychologist, so I get real tired, real fast of bullshit. 21 years in sex, dating and relationships. I recommend you just call people out, often times they will deflect this, attempt to gas light, turn it on you. It is important you tourniquet trauma before it happens.
5. “I don’t have any emotional baggage!” — “ONLINE DATING BAGGAGE”
The odds of dating someone who’s never slept with or had feelings for another person that totally tore them inside and out are extremely slim, unless you exclusively date people who grew up in underground bunkers.
And meeting the love of your life is as simple as opening up a dating app and scrolling through potential soulmates, right?
Here’s what some people say about their online dating baggage,
“Sure, people say they’re looking for the same things you are, but they’re not really. When I meet girls online, half the time, I don’t even read their profile — I just agree with whatever they say so that I can hopefully meet them and hook up. Shady, I know, but true.” — José, 23
This can lead to bad experiences and bad match-ups that may leave you feeling more than a little “blah” about online romance.
The reality of online dating is this: you never know who you’re talking to behind the screen. It could be someone using a fake picture or name or lying on their profile to get more matches. They could be married, have kids, have a different job, or lie about their nationality. The possibilities are terrifyingly endless.
The unfortunate thing is that this behavior isn’t uncommon. According to a study conducted by the University of Wisconsin-Madison, 81% of people online lie about their weight, age, and height on their dating profiles.
“If I wanted a penpal I would date a man in prison!”
“I don’t care what anybody says, long-distance relationships are pretty much impossible! If I can’t meet someone and hold their hand and build a physical connection with them, yes including sex, then things just can’t progress normally.” — Ayanna, 22.
“I dated this guy for a while online. We lived in the same state a few hours away, but we never met. I started to think he was catfishing me, but no. We FaceTime, and he checked out! He would just never set aside the time to meet me in person. It was really weird and disappointing.” — Jessie, 29.
So, you’ve found someone online that you connect with. You get along so well, and you can’t wait to meet them to help move your relationship forward. The only problem is that a survey done by the Pew Research Center found that one-third of online daters never actually, well, date! They do not meet in person, meaning your online relationship isn’t going anywhere.
Are all online relationships doomed?
It might be hard to believe that online relationships can be successful as they have been advertised to fail eventually. Still, the truth is that it could work with extra effort and will to maintain a relationship.
The chances are slim as most couples don’t successfully maintain clear communication, and with time, they fall apart. However, people who really value their relationships make sure they constantly put in the required effort to make it work. That’s even rare because no one likes work.
Dr. Kali DuBois PhD
