When She Wants A Woman But Can’t Admit It: Overcoming Fear and Finally Having the Sex You Actually Want

I have sex with any gender I want without shame. And what i’ve noticed is there’s a quiet war happening inside some women — one they don’t even realize they’re fighting. It’s the battle between who they think they should be and who they really are. For some, that war manifests as discomfort around men, constant disappointment in relationships, or an almost inexplicable resentment toward their partners. The truth? They don’t want a man at all.

But instead of embracing that, they repress it. And repression, like a moldy foundation, will always crack over time.

If this sounds familiar — if you’ve ever felt that whispering curiosity but shoved it down because of fear — then keep reading. Because the longer you deny yourself, the more damage it does.

Psychological Repression: The Slow Decay of the Mind

Repression is what happens when we push away thoughts, feelings, or desires that make us uncomfortable. Freud was one of the first to identify repression as the root cause of neurotic behavior, and modern psychology backs him up (Westen, 1999). The longer you repress a core part of yourself, the more strain it puts on your psyche. It can show up as depression, anxiety, irritability, or an inability to maintain satisfying relationships (Baumeister & Tice, 1990).

For women struggling with unacknowledged same-sex attraction, repression doesn’t just stay in the mind — it leaks into every part of life. You might:

• Pick men who don’t satisfy you, only to resent them for it.
• Overcompensate in hyper-feminine or hyper-masculine ways to distract from your actual desires.
• Develop an irrational disgust for openly gay or bisexual women because they represent what you’re not allowing yourself to be.
• Use control as a coping mechanism, molding partners into something more emotionally tolerable.

Sound familiar? You’re not alone.

What Are You Actually Afraid Of?

Most women who repress their attraction to other women do so for a reason. The question is, what’s yours? Let’s break down the biggest fears and destroy them one by one.

Fear #1: “What if I try it and don’t like it?”

Let’s be real — this is the same excuse people use to avoid eating sushi, and it’s ridiculous. You won’t know until you try. And unlike bad sushi, a bad experience with a woman isn’t going to give you food poisoning.

The human brain craves novelty and exploration, especially when it comes to sex (Bancroft, 2009). Even if the first time doesn’t shake the earth, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t the right path — it just means you’re new to it.

Fear #2: “What if people judge me?”

They might. And what? People judge others for everything. If you stopped living every time someone had an opinion, you’d never leave the house.

Besides, most people are too busy worrying about their own lives to care about yours. And the people who do care? They usually have their own issues — like repressed attraction of their own (Herek, 2000).

Fear #3: “What if it changes how I see myself?”

It will. And that’s a good thing.

People get so caught up in their identities that they forget something critical: identities are supposed to evolve. You’re not the same person you were at 15, so why should your sexuality stay frozen in time?

Exploring same-sex attraction doesn’t erase who you’ve been — it just adds to who you are.

What Happens If You Keep Repressing It?

Maybe you think you can bury it. Maybe you think if you just push it down far enough, it’ll disappear. It won’t.

Women who repress their same-sex attraction often develop resentment toward men, dissatisfaction in relationships, and even somatic symptoms like chronic tension or headaches (Faderman, 2015). The longer you deny it, the worse it gets.

By contrast, women who embrace their curiosity — whether they end up identifying as bisexual, lesbian, or something else entirely — report higher self-esteem, lower anxiety, and greater relationship satisfaction (Diamond, 2008).

How to Finally Let Yourself Do It

1. Admit it to yourself. This doesn’t mean you have to come out to the world tomorrow. Just be honest with yourself first.
2. Detach from labels. Forget the need to call yourself one thing or another. Focus on experiences, not categories.
3. Start with low-pressure exploration. You don’t have to dive straight into a relationship. Try flirting, watching lesbian content, or talking to queer women about their experiences.
4. Give yourself permission to enjoy it. If you go in with guilt, it won’t be enjoyable. Let yourself feel the pleasure.
5. Remember: No one else is living your life. At the end of the day, the only person who has to be happy with your decisions is you.

Your desires aren’t the problem. Your fear of them is. And the moment you stop fighting yourself, you’ll be amazed at how much freer — and happier — you feel.

Citations

• Baumeister, R. F., & Tice, D. M. (1990). “Point-counterpoints: Anxiety and escape in the self-concept.” Psychological Review, 97(4), 635–654.
• Bancroft, J. (2009). Human Sexuality and Its Problems. Elsevier Health Sciences.
• Diamond, L. M. (2008). Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire. Harvard University Press.
• Faderman, L. (2015). Odd Girls and Twilight Lovers: A History of Lesbian Life in Twentieth-Century America. Columbia University Press.
• Herek, G. M. (2000). “The Psychology of Sexual Prejudice.” Current Directions in Psychological Science, 9(1), 19–22.
• Westen, D. (1999). “Psychodynamic Theory and Its Empirical Foundations.” Annual Review of Psychology, 50, 233–264.