Words Must Match Actions — This Creates SANITY

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve had to tell my clients (and remind myself) this: the key problem when dating is not knowing.

You have to know if someone’s words align with their actions. For instance, if someone says they’re on a diet but is hoarding snacks in their bed for late-night binges — spoiler — they’re not on a diet and honestly, they might be a little unhinged. Classic case of cognitive dissonance.

Let’s be real: if you’re not spending in-person time with someone, you can’t observe their behavior. And without that, there’s no foundation for trust or growth.

A relationship simply cannot flourish when the person is practically non-existent.

Phone calls might serve as a placeholder for connection, but they are not the same as true bonding. A phone call is a nice gesture, but it’s not intimacy. It’s not presence. And presence is everything.

I’m turning 40 on March 1, and let me make this clear: if I wanted casual sex or flings, I’d be having them. The truth is, I haven’t found someone who satisfies me sexually and isn’t a complete nimrod.

The last thing I want is to be someone’s side chick, an afterthought, or just a weekend warrior’s hookup. If that were the case, I’d slap my profile on some dumpster-fire app and call it a day.

What I want — and need — at 40 is someone who matches my strength, if not surpasses it, someone with thicker skin who values autonomy but also craves a deep, genuine connection. I’m looking for honesty, kindness, and someone who embraces everything about me — no games, no nonsense, just real connection.

So why is this about me? Because I’ve seen so much bullshit from men throughout my adulthood that I’m honestly at the point of saying, “Just go over there, handle your own shit, and play with your own dick.” Why? Because they’re not showing up in the ways women actually need them to.

And then they get all butthurt when a woman says, “Hey, I’m not flying across the country to hook up with some stranger for three days — a stranger who’s done nothing for me besides a few phone calls. Do you need money for a hooker? Because that doesn’t sound like a good time to me.”

How about actually putting some grit into it? I remember a friend of mine, a seriously talented martial artist, who had a thing for a woman renovating her house. Before even trying to sleep with her, he volunteered to help with the carpentry just to spend time with her and get to know her. Fast forward — they’re now married with a kid.

See, he’s honorable. And while a lot of men think they are, they’re not. Too many dive in, acting entitled to your body and your time, without offering anything resembling romance, friendship, or even basic support. It’s like they skip the effort entirely and still expect the rewards.

A woman’s intimacy isn’t something you’re automatically entitled to.

Respect at the start of a relationship isn’t about grand gestures or empty promises; it’s about showing up authentically and proving that honor and respect are part of who he is — not just something he performs to win you over.

What is male honor? Where do you, as a woman, find genuine respect from men? And what does respect toward a woman actually look like, especially at the beginning of a relationship? It boggles me.

Here’s what I think it should look like:

1. Consistency: His words match his actions. If he says he’ll call, he calls. If he makes a plan, he follows through.
2. Kindness and Consideration: He shows empathy, listens actively, and cares about your feelings and boundaries.
3. Effort: He invests time and energy into getting to know you without expecting instant gratification.
4. Accountability: He takes responsibility for his actions instead of making excuses or deflecting blame.
5. Patience: He doesn’t rush intimacy or expect something from you just because he’s “put in time.”

What we’re getting,

Push back.

Called radical feminists.

Man haters.

We’re told “good luck” when we let someone know we don’t want to have sex with them. Honestly, this should be a no-brainer — if I don’t know you, why would I risk having sex with you? Getting my heart broken? Yeah, no thanks. At 40, I’m over it. Go find some naive kid you can manipulate, because I’m not the one.

Do you need money? Here, just send me your Cash App, and I’ll help you get a hooker. I’m sure they’ll be thrilled to stroke both your ego and whatever else you need. But if you’re looking for real intimacy with someone who runs three companies, holds a 3rd-degree black belt, a PhD, an MBA, has authored 47 books, and is a former sports model — then you’re going to have to step up and show up.

And I rarely even list my credentials anymore, we can keep listing them, there are more. I don’t do that because it’s bragging. And no one likes a know-it-all or bragger. Keep it simple stupid.

I couldn’t care less if this guy went to college, has a 9-to-5 job, or is a bit on the pudgy side. I don’t care if he drives some beat-up ’90s Toyota. What matters is that he knows he wants to be with me — the real me — not some fantasy version he’s cooked up in his head.

K.