You’ve Been Trained to See Yourself Through a Man’s Eyes

5 min read6 days ago

You think you’re just you. That your desires, your confidence, the way you move through the world — it all comes from within. But what if I told you that, for most of your life, you’ve been seeing yourself from the outside? That your sense of self has been shaped not by who you are but by how men see you?

Because whether you realize it or not, you’ve been trained to be aware of your appearance at all times. To move, dress, and even experience your own sexuality through a filter of what looks good to men, rather than what feels true to you.

The Male Gaze Isn’t Just in Movies — It’s in Your Head

The concept of the male gaze — first coined by Laura Mulvey in Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema (1975) — describes how women in film and media are portrayed for a heterosexual male audience. They exist to be looked at, admired, desired.

But this doesn’t just stay on the screen. It leaks into real life. It leaks into your life.

Because if you’ve ever:

Adjusted your posture because you thought someone might be watching
Sucked in your stomach even when no one else was around
Wondered how you look when you cry, eat, have sex, or even sleep

Then congratulations — you, like every other woman, have internalized the male gaze.

The Moment You Became Self-Conscious

Think back. You weren’t born this way. There was a time in your childhood when you just existed. Your body was something you lived in, not something you monitored.

Then something happened. Maybe it was the first time someone commented on your looks — whether good or bad. Maybe it was the first time a boy stared at you a little too long. Maybe it was when you realized your appearance could be a currency, something that gained you approval, attention, safety.

That’s when it started. The split. The separation between the you who experiences life and the you who watches yourself living it.

📖 Source: Sandra Bartky’s Femininity and Domination: Studies in the Phenomenology of Oppression (1990) explains how women develop self-surveillance, internalizing the idea that they are objects to be watched and judged.

How This Affects Every Part of Your Life

Once you start living under this invisible camera lens, everything changes.

1. Your Confidence Becomes Performance-Based

Your self-worth isn’t just about how you feel — it’s about how you think others perceive you.

You feel good when you’re complimented.
You feel insecure when you’re ignored.
You feel unattractive when you’re not receiving male attention.

Because deep down, you’ve been trained to see your beauty as the most important thing about you.

📖 Source: Naomi Wolf’s The Beauty Myth (1991) breaks down how societal beauty standards keep women focused on their looks as a form of control.

2. Your Sexuality Revolves Around Being “Hot”

You’re told that confidence is sexy. That being “empowered” means being comfortable in your own skin. But empowerment under the male gaze isn’t about what you want — it’s about how desirable you appear to men.

That’s why:

Women shave, wear makeup, and dress “sexy” but still don’t feel genuinely desired.
Women fake orgasms because they feel pressure to “perform” pleasure rather than actually experience it.
Women prioritize looking fuckable over feeling deeply, viscerally aroused.

📖 Source: Ariel Levy’s Female Chauvinist Pigs (2005) explores how women are encouraged to objectify themselves under the illusion of sexual liberation.

3. You Judge Yourself Through a Male-Approved Lens

Even when there are no men around, you still think about how you’d be perceived by one.

Do I look good in this dress?
Is my body attractive enough?
Am I aging well?

Women are trained to believe that their worth diminishes with time, unlike men, who are seen as aging into wisdom and power. This is why beauty industries rake in billions — because keeping you hyper-focused on your appearance keeps you distracted from everything else.

📖 Source: Susan Bordo’s Unbearable Weight: Feminism, Western Culture, and the Body (1993) explains how beauty culture keeps women in a constant state of self-critique.

The Cost of Constant Self-Monitoring

What does it cost you to see yourself through a man’s eyes, every single day?

Time — Hours spent analyzing, adjusting, and second-guessing your looks.
Energy — The mental exhaustion of never feeling “good enough.”
Pleasure — You struggle to experience sex, food, or even relaxation without worrying about how you look doing it.

The real tragedy? You don’t even notice it happening. It just feels… normal.

How to Break Free from the Male Gaze

Undoing a lifetime of conditioning doesn’t happen overnight, but it is possible. Here’s where to start:

1. Reclaim Your Sexuality

Ask yourself: What do I actually like? Not what you’ve been told is hot. Not what men have wanted from you. But what feels good to you, for you.

2. Separate Your Self-Worth from Your Appearance

Your body isn’t an object to be admired — it’s an instrument for living, feeling, moving, experiencing. What happens when you shift from how do I look? to how do I feel?

3. Catch Yourself Watching Yourself

Every time you adjust your body, worry about an angle, or wonder how you appear rather than how you experience — pause. Ask: Who am I performing for?

Because at the end of the day, the biggest act of rebellion isn’t being sexy. It’s being so immersed in your own existence that you forget to care how you look doing it.

Final Thought: Who Are You When No One’s Watching?

Because that’s the real you. And she deserves to live — not just be looked at.